I'm going to try to write at least every 2 weeks, keep track of myself and babe and try to see if I can avoid PPD/A by keeping a journal.
Week 1- Well the first 3 days... it was pretty much me going back and forth between, "Come on buddy you got it in your mouth just suck already! Please don't get frustrated." Pulling him away and trying again till we got it. Going on and on... "Isn't he just so beautiful? Don't you just love him? Aren't you just so in love?! He's perfect!!" and feeling dizzy from exhaustion and hating after-pains.
The next couple days I worried, My bleeding was not slowing down, I was gushing and passing gooey strings and still feeling very crampy. I also felt just overly exhausted and continued to stay in bed! I worked at taking care of me by taking little naps and epsom salt baths. Emotionally I was still doing well, I only had one good crying spell and that is because I thought my mom was leaving and I REALLY wanted her to stay. I felt too overwhelmed to care for things on my own.
Day 7- Still worried about my bleeding and passed a clementine sized clot. Freaked out and got a hold of Jill for reassurance... my body needed more time to heal. My bladder would sting and hurt when I peed. Not pleasant, then again I seem to always get that.
After the clot bleeding practically stopped. I started trying to get up a little more. Get my own cup of water, go to the kids room, etc. We even made sugar cookies and icing! Baby steps to getting back in the swing of things.
Day 10- Had 2 decent gushes, I think making my bed and walking around the house more was still a little much. With Azzie I felt amazing the next day and wanted to go all over (and did!) this time things are just going a little slower. I wonder if having mono had anything to do with that. I'm a little irritated that I'm crampy because I need to go to the bathroom but can't. Drank a couple hot cups of Lemon ginsing tea and a big glass of water... hope to get things moving.
The best thing about tonight, I got to take a nice relaxing bath, I shaved, plucked, painted my toes, straightened my hair. I feel a million times better. What's even crazier is that I actually even felt like I wanted to get lovey with Scott... A little too soon for that, but I can't help my hormones! lol. I'm excited and nervous for tomorrow. It will be my first venture out since birth and baby's first car ride. We will finally get to see what it is going to be like juggling 3 car seats in the car. I just pray that everyone is healthy and we don't all come home sick! Azzie and Asher already have a cough and their voices sound terrible.
Speaking of that, my poor kids miss me, I was out in the living room after getting cleaned up and they were all over me like flies on honey. Especially Azzie. That is one thing I don't like about having such a little baby, they need so much attention and the other little ones don't always understand.
Well, it's after 3am, Ash just climbed in our bed and I am getting tired too. Gonna catch some Zzzz's.
Thursday, December 24, 2015
Sunday, December 13, 2015
12-13-15 The Home birth of Andrew Michael Colgan
My last baby, my last home birth after cesarean... the birth of Andrew Michael.
4:37am: Woke up to a mildly painful contraction, went pee and found a little bloody show. Got excited and decided to see if contractions would pick up. Went out to the living room and fussed on the Internet. Same mild contractions kept coming every 6-8 minutes so I knew labor was coming.
6:08am:I called Jill and let her know I was in early labor. She asked if I needed her to come I said, "Not yet, things are just getting going." and told her I would let her know when things progressed or got more painful.
8:37am Jill checks in. I let her know contractions were still averaging 7 mins apart a little more intense but FAR from unbearable. What was unbearable was a my resting position caused an awful muscle spasm in my back. I took 2 Tylenol and some calcium magnesium and broke out the heating pad to help it. (who knew that heating pad would see me through my entire labor)
8:55am My mom and azzie woke up and I had not had a contraction since my back spasm began. I was worried that labor may have stopped. I went and woke up Scott and Asher and told them to leave the bedroom I needed my labor space.
9:18am Jill suggested I rest and carry on with my day if they didn't return.... 1 minute later they returned in full force.
9:19am I text Jill back, "come" and let her know Amy should probably come too.
9 :23am My back was starting to feel better but still was more painful then the contractions, Amy called to hear how I was, I told her I was hurting but contractions were picking up.
9:38am Tylenol kicked in and my back felt better contractions began to hit every 3-5 minutes and were beginning to really hurt. thank God for Scott. He held the heating pad to my back between contractions and put pressure on my back and hips. EVERY contraction he did that.
Around 10am: Jill arrives, checks me and baby, Heart rate sounds good and I was at a 7!!! I was amazed. These contractions, while painful, were not NEARLY as bad as they were when I gave birth to Azzie. I had good 3-4 minute breaks between them and the peaks were not as intense.
Around 10:30am (as it gets hard to tell time when laboring) Amy arrived. I continued to sit and rest. when I could break and stand with Scott and the heating pad and his pressure on my back when I contracted. The heating pad felt so good but was making me hot so a wet cool rag felt wonderful on my neck and face.
10:53am: A contraction hit that made me pushy, My body had taken over at this point. Amy asked, "Cass are you pushing?" Yes, yes I was. We were close...
The next 4 contractions were VERY hard to bear and had me begging God for mercy. I had asked him to please let me get the baby out, don't let me be stuck in such pain. My legs trembled as I stood bent over the edge of our bed and I question my strength to stay standing. I pushed with the next contraction and thought that I had crowned the baby, Instead I had began birthing the sac of waters! I reached down and felt it bulging. My husband said it was the coolest thing to see the baby's head but surrounded in water. The next contraction I pushed with all my might, I kept pushing and pushing and at 11:05am birthed my baby in the caul!!!
It took me a few minutes to get my bearings from pushing, but soon I was on the bed saying hi to our new baby. It still took me a few minutes to collect myself and deliver the placenta but about 15-20 minutes after his birth, I asked Scott to tell me the gender... A boy!
We spent our golden hour together, skin to skin as midwives picked up, ran me a warm bath, and my mom prepared me food. After that hour we did stats. Andrew was 9 pounds 3 ounces and 21 inches long. My biggest baby! He had a head full of long dark hair and was perfect.
After getting cleaned up and checked over (no tears and minimal blood loss!) and letting him meet all his siblings our midwives tucked us in bed and made their leave.
I am so happy to have finished out my childbearing years with such a wonderful birth. God really answered my prayers, my labor was not too long, not too short, not too painful. It was perfect.
Birth stats:
Early labor: 4 hours 43 minutes
Active labor: 1 hour 33 minutes
Pushing: 12 minutes
Time till Placenta: 10 minutes
Total time in labor: 6 hours 38 minutes
4:37am: Woke up to a mildly painful contraction, went pee and found a little bloody show. Got excited and decided to see if contractions would pick up. Went out to the living room and fussed on the Internet. Same mild contractions kept coming every 6-8 minutes so I knew labor was coming.
6:08am:I called Jill and let her know I was in early labor. She asked if I needed her to come I said, "Not yet, things are just getting going." and told her I would let her know when things progressed or got more painful.
8:37am Jill checks in. I let her know contractions were still averaging 7 mins apart a little more intense but FAR from unbearable. What was unbearable was a my resting position caused an awful muscle spasm in my back. I took 2 Tylenol and some calcium magnesium and broke out the heating pad to help it. (who knew that heating pad would see me through my entire labor)
8:55am My mom and azzie woke up and I had not had a contraction since my back spasm began. I was worried that labor may have stopped. I went and woke up Scott and Asher and told them to leave the bedroom I needed my labor space.
9:18am Jill suggested I rest and carry on with my day if they didn't return.... 1 minute later they returned in full force.
9:19am I text Jill back, "come" and let her know Amy should probably come too.
9 :23am My back was starting to feel better but still was more painful then the contractions, Amy called to hear how I was, I told her I was hurting but contractions were picking up.
9:38am Tylenol kicked in and my back felt better contractions began to hit every 3-5 minutes and were beginning to really hurt. thank God for Scott. He held the heating pad to my back between contractions and put pressure on my back and hips. EVERY contraction he did that.
Around 10am: Jill arrives, checks me and baby, Heart rate sounds good and I was at a 7!!! I was amazed. These contractions, while painful, were not NEARLY as bad as they were when I gave birth to Azzie. I had good 3-4 minute breaks between them and the peaks were not as intense.
Around 10:30am (as it gets hard to tell time when laboring) Amy arrived. I continued to sit and rest. when I could break and stand with Scott and the heating pad and his pressure on my back when I contracted. The heating pad felt so good but was making me hot so a wet cool rag felt wonderful on my neck and face.
10:53am: A contraction hit that made me pushy, My body had taken over at this point. Amy asked, "Cass are you pushing?" Yes, yes I was. We were close...
The next 4 contractions were VERY hard to bear and had me begging God for mercy. I had asked him to please let me get the baby out, don't let me be stuck in such pain. My legs trembled as I stood bent over the edge of our bed and I question my strength to stay standing. I pushed with the next contraction and thought that I had crowned the baby, Instead I had began birthing the sac of waters! I reached down and felt it bulging. My husband said it was the coolest thing to see the baby's head but surrounded in water. The next contraction I pushed with all my might, I kept pushing and pushing and at 11:05am birthed my baby in the caul!!!
It took me a few minutes to get my bearings from pushing, but soon I was on the bed saying hi to our new baby. It still took me a few minutes to collect myself and deliver the placenta but about 15-20 minutes after his birth, I asked Scott to tell me the gender... A boy!
We spent our golden hour together, skin to skin as midwives picked up, ran me a warm bath, and my mom prepared me food. After that hour we did stats. Andrew was 9 pounds 3 ounces and 21 inches long. My biggest baby! He had a head full of long dark hair and was perfect.
After getting cleaned up and checked over (no tears and minimal blood loss!) and letting him meet all his siblings our midwives tucked us in bed and made their leave.
I am so happy to have finished out my childbearing years with such a wonderful birth. God really answered my prayers, my labor was not too long, not too short, not too painful. It was perfect.
Birth stats:
Early labor: 4 hours 43 minutes
Active labor: 1 hour 33 minutes
Pushing: 12 minutes
Time till Placenta: 10 minutes
Total time in labor: 6 hours 38 minutes
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Pregnancy Journal Week 37- Why I am scared to give birth again.
Here I sit at 37 weeks. Doing an okay job of keeping my blood sugar in check and under 140, dealing with the daily annoying contractions that get stronger, and the pain in my pelvis and hips from all the weight. I want to be done, but to be honest, I am scared.
I keep having people confidently tell me, I will be fine, I've done this before, I know what to expect... yada yada yada.... but it's just that... I know what to expect and for some reason the encouragement isn't helping.
Here's a list of all the reasons why I am scared to give birth again:
1. The pain. Dear Lord in heaven.. the pain. Natural childbirth is hard and painful and intense. Each child is different, who's to say this one won't get stuck or I'll have another long labor... or maybe I will have another super fast BUT super intense birth like Azzie's I fear baby getting stuck in the most painful stage and me having to deal with the pain for more than a few minutes.... I don't feel like I would be strong enough... I'd rather take a bullet to the head.
2. To go off of point one, I am scared this baby will be large and am worried about it's position since it is facing differently than my other 3 children.
3. This is our last child... what if something happens? Of course leave it to FB to show me photos of dead babies, babies with deformities and all sorts of other issues as I prepare to give birth myself... yeah, that helps my nerves.
4. To go off point 3... if something happened to this baby, we couldn't have another (biologically).. am I okay with that? I know I never want to be pregnant again, but I also know that our family is complete at 4 kids.
5. I already have kids, if something happened to me or the baby.... it just adds more stress to the mix.
6. I am in a new place. I have never given birth here and for some reason that makes me uncomfortable. I almost feel like I would relax more if I were back at our old apartment where I birthed our other 2 children.
7. Did I mention birth was painful?
8. This is my first dry birth. I hope I made a good choice in foregoing the water birth option this time, but again, the change makes me a little nervous. I just don't feel like there is a place here where I would be comfortable in a tub...
9. Impending delivery makes me feel trapped. I feel like I am being forced to do something very unpleasant, the outcome is wonderful, but the process is unpleasant. Like my midwife said, it is like a roller coaster... first you're excited to ride, then you get on and start heading up the massive hill and the closer you get to the top the more you wish you could just turn around... then it peaks... but at the end you are glad you rode... I'm at the peak saying... "where is the emergency exit button?"
10. I keep getting little adrenaline rushes from nerves. You know when you are really nervy and you startle easily? I feel that way constantly, just little adrenaline rushes in my heart. I hate feeling on edge. Being diagnosed with panic disorder does nothing to help my case.
All in all, I just really dislike pregnancy and birth. I don't like how it feels, I don't like feeling trapped. I don't like all the discomfort it brings... I am ready to be done. This next week my goal is to work on fear release and letting go... Wish me luck with that.
-Cass
I keep having people confidently tell me, I will be fine, I've done this before, I know what to expect... yada yada yada.... but it's just that... I know what to expect and for some reason the encouragement isn't helping.
Here's a list of all the reasons why I am scared to give birth again:
1. The pain. Dear Lord in heaven.. the pain. Natural childbirth is hard and painful and intense. Each child is different, who's to say this one won't get stuck or I'll have another long labor... or maybe I will have another super fast BUT super intense birth like Azzie's I fear baby getting stuck in the most painful stage and me having to deal with the pain for more than a few minutes.... I don't feel like I would be strong enough... I'd rather take a bullet to the head.
2. To go off of point one, I am scared this baby will be large and am worried about it's position since it is facing differently than my other 3 children.
3. This is our last child... what if something happens? Of course leave it to FB to show me photos of dead babies, babies with deformities and all sorts of other issues as I prepare to give birth myself... yeah, that helps my nerves.
4. To go off point 3... if something happened to this baby, we couldn't have another (biologically).. am I okay with that? I know I never want to be pregnant again, but I also know that our family is complete at 4 kids.
5. I already have kids, if something happened to me or the baby.... it just adds more stress to the mix.
6. I am in a new place. I have never given birth here and for some reason that makes me uncomfortable. I almost feel like I would relax more if I were back at our old apartment where I birthed our other 2 children.
7. Did I mention birth was painful?
8. This is my first dry birth. I hope I made a good choice in foregoing the water birth option this time, but again, the change makes me a little nervous. I just don't feel like there is a place here where I would be comfortable in a tub...
9. Impending delivery makes me feel trapped. I feel like I am being forced to do something very unpleasant, the outcome is wonderful, but the process is unpleasant. Like my midwife said, it is like a roller coaster... first you're excited to ride, then you get on and start heading up the massive hill and the closer you get to the top the more you wish you could just turn around... then it peaks... but at the end you are glad you rode... I'm at the peak saying... "where is the emergency exit button?"
10. I keep getting little adrenaline rushes from nerves. You know when you are really nervy and you startle easily? I feel that way constantly, just little adrenaline rushes in my heart. I hate feeling on edge. Being diagnosed with panic disorder does nothing to help my case.
All in all, I just really dislike pregnancy and birth. I don't like how it feels, I don't like feeling trapped. I don't like all the discomfort it brings... I am ready to be done. This next week my goal is to work on fear release and letting go... Wish me luck with that.
-Cass
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Pregnancy Journal Week 33- Painful Positivity?
Many of my friends and family do not realize the amount of pain that pregnancy causes for me. I try my best not to complain excessively, because who wants to hear someone whine about hurting all the time? So this will be it, my one main rant, cry, gripe, woe is me... post where I go in detail about how much I really hurt.
First off, I have been seeing the chiropractor for weeks, I know I get SPD (I'll explain in a min) and I was trying my best to keep everything in line BEFORE it got bad, before the pain got unmanageable.
Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction is caused when the body produces too much of the hormone relaxin. Relaxin is what causes the joints in the pelvis to become loose and mobile so a baby can pass through. Most women feel some discomfort in their back and hips due to the pressure of baby and loosened pelvis. I on the other hand, produce extra of this hormone, so much extra that it effects not only my pelvis but my entire body.
Every day is constant pain, I can't sit without pain, I can't lay down without EXTREME pain, My back, knees, hips, shoulders, neck... everything aches, everything is constantly popping and shifting. My chiro can't even believe how hyper-mobile my joints are, I can dislocate joints with minimal pressure ( like I did with Azzie when I fell and dislocated my shoulder). It wasn't even a full fall, I caught myself on the wall and pop... out things go.
Some days are worse than others. Some days it hurts just to try to get out of bed, I wake up all through the night needing to ice or heat or sit on the back massage chair. Those days are awful and full of Tylenol just to make it. Some days when all is "mostly" aligned I am in manageable pain and try to get things done, making sure to rest and be super careful. It just kills me that I have to prep my body just to take my son to preschool then come home and baby my body from the lifting, walking, and driving!
With that said, I think tonight I have reached my breaking point. I cannot bear 7 more weeks of not being able to sleep, at some points barely able to walk, and spending HOURS every. single. day. (and night) icing or sitting on heating pads. The chiro just isn't enough anymore... it's time to seek out physical therapy.
Finances have been tight, we are trying so hard to get out of debt against the mountain of bills that keep racking against us. (Like $3200 out of pocket to give birth by December) So me deciding that $35 a week for a therapist was a very hard decision, but one I pray so hard to God will be worth it.
Trying to keep positive, trying to keep believing the therapist will help and will be able to bind my hips and brace my back so they can feel better.
My main mantra that is seeing me through all of this is, "I will NEVER have to do this again. THANK GOD!"
First off, I have been seeing the chiropractor for weeks, I know I get SPD (I'll explain in a min) and I was trying my best to keep everything in line BEFORE it got bad, before the pain got unmanageable.
Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction is caused when the body produces too much of the hormone relaxin. Relaxin is what causes the joints in the pelvis to become loose and mobile so a baby can pass through. Most women feel some discomfort in their back and hips due to the pressure of baby and loosened pelvis. I on the other hand, produce extra of this hormone, so much extra that it effects not only my pelvis but my entire body.
Every day is constant pain, I can't sit without pain, I can't lay down without EXTREME pain, My back, knees, hips, shoulders, neck... everything aches, everything is constantly popping and shifting. My chiro can't even believe how hyper-mobile my joints are, I can dislocate joints with minimal pressure ( like I did with Azzie when I fell and dislocated my shoulder). It wasn't even a full fall, I caught myself on the wall and pop... out things go.
Some days are worse than others. Some days it hurts just to try to get out of bed, I wake up all through the night needing to ice or heat or sit on the back massage chair. Those days are awful and full of Tylenol just to make it. Some days when all is "mostly" aligned I am in manageable pain and try to get things done, making sure to rest and be super careful. It just kills me that I have to prep my body just to take my son to preschool then come home and baby my body from the lifting, walking, and driving!
With that said, I think tonight I have reached my breaking point. I cannot bear 7 more weeks of not being able to sleep, at some points barely able to walk, and spending HOURS every. single. day. (and night) icing or sitting on heating pads. The chiro just isn't enough anymore... it's time to seek out physical therapy.
Finances have been tight, we are trying so hard to get out of debt against the mountain of bills that keep racking against us. (Like $3200 out of pocket to give birth by December) So me deciding that $35 a week for a therapist was a very hard decision, but one I pray so hard to God will be worth it.
Trying to keep positive, trying to keep believing the therapist will help and will be able to bind my hips and brace my back so they can feel better.
My main mantra that is seeing me through all of this is, "I will NEVER have to do this again. THANK GOD!"
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Pregnancy Journal- 27 weeks 5 days- Anxiety Sucks and Sleepless Nights
What is it with my birthday?!!?!?!?!?!
I have been anxiety free for over 10 FULL months.
All of a sudden, out of no where, I'm dizzy, double vision, heart palpitating every few minutes, and just an overwhelming sense of unease. All my classic symptoms.
I went to the Dr. last year on my birthday for anxiety... now it reared it's ugly head again. Maybe it is a lack of sleep? Dehydration? Hormone fluctuation.... who knows.
I broke down and took one of my anti-anxiety pills and i am currently laying here hoping to feel better when I get up so I can actually enjoy my birthday.
I hate this. I hate feeling like I need to cry, feeling my heart flip-flop and take my breath away, feeling like I can't stand any stimulation, noise, touch.... I know it will pass. I've lived through these spells before and I will make it through this one too. More on the past few weeks in a bit. I needed to vent, but now I am going to rest.
9/19
No wonder I am so tired all the time. Here I am awake again at 5:30. Struggling to sleep because my back and hips ache so bad. I can only sleep and lay for so long before everything gets too stiff and tender that I have to get up. It doesn't hurt so bad when I am up or lay for a short time. I am so thankful for my mother and letting me borrow her back massage chair. It helps quite a bit. My back is so tender when I first sit on it, then it slowly kneads out the painful knots in my back... The joys I tell you, the joys!
Speaking of our little bundle. I really wish I knew how baby was positioned in there. All my babies always opted for butt up left side, Feet out to the side... This baby seems to have a liking for the right side and I feel a lot of movement there as well as in my cervix, hardly any on my left... I had an awful dream that the baby was coming out funny and it made labor painful and really slow. I am saying now I will do every spinning baby move in the world if that's what it takes to keep that from happening!
I've had more bonding days though, I am beginning to get more excited to meet this baby. To see it's little face. I still want this to come out a positive experience. I don't want my last pregnancy to be all negatives and I pray for Azzie (and possibly this babe) that they have easy and wonderful pregnancies.
I can't believe I am only 3 months away from meeting my last baby. Azzie will be 2 in 2 weeks, Ash is going to be 4.... it's crazy.
OH!!! and before I forget. I got my new Ameda breast pump today. Free through insurance.... It's electric, double pump... Happy to be going out of my milky years with ease and style.. haha.
My massage is almost done. I'm going to aim for going back to sleep. :)
-Cass
I have been anxiety free for over 10 FULL months.
All of a sudden, out of no where, I'm dizzy, double vision, heart palpitating every few minutes, and just an overwhelming sense of unease. All my classic symptoms.
I went to the Dr. last year on my birthday for anxiety... now it reared it's ugly head again. Maybe it is a lack of sleep? Dehydration? Hormone fluctuation.... who knows.
I broke down and took one of my anti-anxiety pills and i am currently laying here hoping to feel better when I get up so I can actually enjoy my birthday.
I hate this. I hate feeling like I need to cry, feeling my heart flip-flop and take my breath away, feeling like I can't stand any stimulation, noise, touch.... I know it will pass. I've lived through these spells before and I will make it through this one too. More on the past few weeks in a bit. I needed to vent, but now I am going to rest.
9/19
No wonder I am so tired all the time. Here I am awake again at 5:30. Struggling to sleep because my back and hips ache so bad. I can only sleep and lay for so long before everything gets too stiff and tender that I have to get up. It doesn't hurt so bad when I am up or lay for a short time. I am so thankful for my mother and letting me borrow her back massage chair. It helps quite a bit. My back is so tender when I first sit on it, then it slowly kneads out the painful knots in my back... The joys I tell you, the joys!
Speaking of our little bundle. I really wish I knew how baby was positioned in there. All my babies always opted for butt up left side, Feet out to the side... This baby seems to have a liking for the right side and I feel a lot of movement there as well as in my cervix, hardly any on my left... I had an awful dream that the baby was coming out funny and it made labor painful and really slow. I am saying now I will do every spinning baby move in the world if that's what it takes to keep that from happening!
I've had more bonding days though, I am beginning to get more excited to meet this baby. To see it's little face. I still want this to come out a positive experience. I don't want my last pregnancy to be all negatives and I pray for Azzie (and possibly this babe) that they have easy and wonderful pregnancies.
I can't believe I am only 3 months away from meeting my last baby. Azzie will be 2 in 2 weeks, Ash is going to be 4.... it's crazy.
OH!!! and before I forget. I got my new Ameda breast pump today. Free through insurance.... It's electric, double pump... Happy to be going out of my milky years with ease and style.. haha.
My massage is almost done. I'm going to aim for going back to sleep. :)
-Cass
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Pregnancy- Week 24- Video Games are the Bane of my Existance
Here comes yet another rant, brought to you by none other than your favorite pregnant lady (if you are one of the few people that actually read my posts you know this is the place where I come to dump all my emotional yucky feelings.
I hate video games... HATE them. I hate smart phones, and overuse of technology. I'm talking some severe vehement hate. I don't think I would be so bias if I had a spouse that didn't spend his life attached to a screen, but since I am, I do.
The past few weeks we have been working our asses off. But I have definitely done a majority of the work between his whining. I remodeled the entire guest bathroom, (he put in the light after sighing about it) still waiting on him to put in the faucet. I painted the entire back deck ( a few days worth of work) with the exception of the very front, as it requires ladder use) He took 2 boards out, put 2 new ones in, and cut a piece of rail and screwed it in. I cleaned out all the flower beds and planted the plants, he edged, and if I'm lucky to catch him in a not whiny mood, he will put the mulch down. I lifted and dumped 500 lbs of sand and 150 pounds of pebble, he raked out straw.... see the difference?
Today, with only 3 hours of sleep, I have gotten my son off to his first day of school, repaired the wall paper in the bathroom, and fixed A's door jamb... all before 11am.
I am just so tired of feeling like he comes home and stares at a screen. That's all he ever WANTS to do. ALL THE TIME. It's constant. His new fixation is Brave Frontier. Some stupid game that is a mix between Final Fantasy and Pokemon. Even my brother, who is sorta lame, called him a no-lifer because he is on it so much. He literally carries a phone charger with him, and even went as far as to plug in while outside with the kids... ARE YOU SERIOUS? Our family outing to the lake, he's on his phone. Any free moment he can find, he's sneaking off to the basement to drown himself in a game... When does it stop? I try not to nag, I try to compromise, but FUCK WHEN DOES IT LET UP!?
I have even almost ended our marriage! I shouldn't have to compete with computers and screens, I shouldn't have to beg for a PARTNER... yet here I sit, dumbfounded at what he chooses as priorities. He really just must not give a shit. I honestly think if a burglar came into our house with a baseball bat and threatened to hit me or the computer, he's let him hit me. The only time I have seen him angry and almost violent is if I threatened to unplug the stupid thing.
He thinks he's so calm, so collected and put together, but fails to see that he is a goddamned addict. Just because you work and pay bills doesn't mean you don't have issues... they call that functioning addiction.
When a man won't even bath his poop covered daughter or have sex with his wife... looks at his phone the second he gets up and the last moment before bed versus cuddling. When some form of electronic is always in his face that he can't ever make eye contact and it's almost a treat when he does... yeah, that's addiction alright.
I don't even know what to do about it... They say you can't change people, they have to want to change themselves. I've considered divorce... that might wake him up... but for what? So some other woman can have the man I wanted all along? That idea just makes me pissy. He doesn't seem to care how his gaming is affecting me or the kids... Can't be good for them to always look up and see him looking down... not at them, but at a screen. I just... I don't know. I'm feeling defeated and need a little support in my life.
I hate video games... HATE them. I hate smart phones, and overuse of technology. I'm talking some severe vehement hate. I don't think I would be so bias if I had a spouse that didn't spend his life attached to a screen, but since I am, I do.
The past few weeks we have been working our asses off. But I have definitely done a majority of the work between his whining. I remodeled the entire guest bathroom, (he put in the light after sighing about it) still waiting on him to put in the faucet. I painted the entire back deck ( a few days worth of work) with the exception of the very front, as it requires ladder use) He took 2 boards out, put 2 new ones in, and cut a piece of rail and screwed it in. I cleaned out all the flower beds and planted the plants, he edged, and if I'm lucky to catch him in a not whiny mood, he will put the mulch down. I lifted and dumped 500 lbs of sand and 150 pounds of pebble, he raked out straw.... see the difference?
Today, with only 3 hours of sleep, I have gotten my son off to his first day of school, repaired the wall paper in the bathroom, and fixed A's door jamb... all before 11am.
I am just so tired of feeling like he comes home and stares at a screen. That's all he ever WANTS to do. ALL THE TIME. It's constant. His new fixation is Brave Frontier. Some stupid game that is a mix between Final Fantasy and Pokemon. Even my brother, who is sorta lame, called him a no-lifer because he is on it so much. He literally carries a phone charger with him, and even went as far as to plug in while outside with the kids... ARE YOU SERIOUS? Our family outing to the lake, he's on his phone. Any free moment he can find, he's sneaking off to the basement to drown himself in a game... When does it stop? I try not to nag, I try to compromise, but FUCK WHEN DOES IT LET UP!?
I have even almost ended our marriage! I shouldn't have to compete with computers and screens, I shouldn't have to beg for a PARTNER... yet here I sit, dumbfounded at what he chooses as priorities. He really just must not give a shit. I honestly think if a burglar came into our house with a baseball bat and threatened to hit me or the computer, he's let him hit me. The only time I have seen him angry and almost violent is if I threatened to unplug the stupid thing.
He thinks he's so calm, so collected and put together, but fails to see that he is a goddamned addict. Just because you work and pay bills doesn't mean you don't have issues... they call that functioning addiction.
When a man won't even bath his poop covered daughter or have sex with his wife... looks at his phone the second he gets up and the last moment before bed versus cuddling. When some form of electronic is always in his face that he can't ever make eye contact and it's almost a treat when he does... yeah, that's addiction alright.
I don't even know what to do about it... They say you can't change people, they have to want to change themselves. I've considered divorce... that might wake him up... but for what? So some other woman can have the man I wanted all along? That idea just makes me pissy. He doesn't seem to care how his gaming is affecting me or the kids... Can't be good for them to always look up and see him looking down... not at them, but at a screen. I just... I don't know. I'm feeling defeated and need a little support in my life.
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
Pregnancy Journal and Needing to Cry- 21 weeks 6 Days
The past weeks have been mildly interesting ones, the past few days chaotic. I am a vat of emotions right now. Most of them nervous, scared, and sad ones.
Thankfully none of these feelings are because of the baby. Baby is healthy, beautiful, growing great and strong (12 ounces already!). We had an ultrasound on July 23rd. It was neat. Seeing baby in 3D/4D... looks like Ash... makes me think maybe a boy, though I have to admit I am hoping for a girl. Didn't find out the sex though. Still keeping it a surprise. I'm really, really proud of myself about that because I was really tempted when the technician looked and kept giving me goofy looks. Actually upset me a little that she knew. :-/
Not really feeling that pregnant anymore. Even though baby is moving quite a bit. I'm just not feeling that emotional connection? I think I went through this phase with all my pregnancies, so I'm not too worried about it.
Worked lots on our house, took gramma to Pizza Hut for her birthday and brought her flowers. I was also guilt tripped by a cousin for not driving 6 hours round trip for a cook out... oy.
So, onto this week. My mom came for a few days, I enjoyed her company and the extra hands! She's so stressed and going through a lot. I really hope she can pull through it and get to the other side okay. I would go into more detail, but my mom's life really isn't my business to write about. I will just say that I look forward to having my mom be more relaxed and happy.
Then today... today was just a really, no good, terrible, truly BAD day. My friend had to have a heart surgery... didn't work. She will have to go back for them to try again and knock her out. She's got a rough couple days ahead as she recovers. I'm keeping her little one. He's a bit of a handful, but thankfully I seem to be doing better with him than I gave myself credit for... we will see how tomorrow goes.
I got pulled over on my way home... $135 ticket. The road was merging down to one lane, and this lady kept slowing down and speeding up so I could not get over, then she flipped me the bird and kept me trapped. I finally sped up to try to pass her, then she sped up even faster so I slammed my brakes to let her and the 3 cars following her pass, only after A police officer tried to pull us both over, Unfortunately she kept going and I actually pulled over... He felt so bad giving me the ticket... he saw what she did and how she harassed me, but I was speeding and I could have pulled over and waited for all the cars to pass versus speeding up I guess... :(
Then the WORST news I could imagine. My gramma tells me today that the spot on her kidney they were hoping was a cyst is a mass and is very likely cancer... My heart dropped and shattered into a million pieces when she told me that... I could be near her. I didn't want to break down in front of her and break her strength. She is such a brave woman. She goes for a more thorough scan tomorrow. I am praying with all my strength it is clear and the mass is benign. Even though I am fearful, I want to believe with all my heart i still have many years left with the person I love so much. She has been such a major part of my life for so long, I feel like my world would be so empty without her. I would long to hear her voice, and her tough love... I'm not ready to even begin to think what life could even be like without her in it, so I have to believe that it will be okay.
My emotions are just so jumbled.
I came home and just needed to do something to numb my mind for a bit. Too much emotion going on! So Scott and I sat outside, he kept an eye on kids and I worked at painting the porch, anything to keep my mind off this day.
Not too mention, school starts in less than 2 weeks, (3 weeks for Ash) We have a million appointments to go to in the next month, Bills suck, spending a ton on school supplies sucks, being stressed about having to run all over God's green earth for everything SUCKS.... my mood is just too crappy right now to say life is grand. Then again that is what I use this blog for; My venting space where I can come deposit the emotions I don't want to hold on to, take a deep breath, and think happier thoughts.
-Cass
Thankfully none of these feelings are because of the baby. Baby is healthy, beautiful, growing great and strong (12 ounces already!). We had an ultrasound on July 23rd. It was neat. Seeing baby in 3D/4D... looks like Ash... makes me think maybe a boy, though I have to admit I am hoping for a girl. Didn't find out the sex though. Still keeping it a surprise. I'm really, really proud of myself about that because I was really tempted when the technician looked and kept giving me goofy looks. Actually upset me a little that she knew. :-/
Not really feeling that pregnant anymore. Even though baby is moving quite a bit. I'm just not feeling that emotional connection? I think I went through this phase with all my pregnancies, so I'm not too worried about it.
Worked lots on our house, took gramma to Pizza Hut for her birthday and brought her flowers. I was also guilt tripped by a cousin for not driving 6 hours round trip for a cook out... oy.
So, onto this week. My mom came for a few days, I enjoyed her company and the extra hands! She's so stressed and going through a lot. I really hope she can pull through it and get to the other side okay. I would go into more detail, but my mom's life really isn't my business to write about. I will just say that I look forward to having my mom be more relaxed and happy.
Then today... today was just a really, no good, terrible, truly BAD day. My friend had to have a heart surgery... didn't work. She will have to go back for them to try again and knock her out. She's got a rough couple days ahead as she recovers. I'm keeping her little one. He's a bit of a handful, but thankfully I seem to be doing better with him than I gave myself credit for... we will see how tomorrow goes.
I got pulled over on my way home... $135 ticket. The road was merging down to one lane, and this lady kept slowing down and speeding up so I could not get over, then she flipped me the bird and kept me trapped. I finally sped up to try to pass her, then she sped up even faster so I slammed my brakes to let her and the 3 cars following her pass, only after A police officer tried to pull us both over, Unfortunately she kept going and I actually pulled over... He felt so bad giving me the ticket... he saw what she did and how she harassed me, but I was speeding and I could have pulled over and waited for all the cars to pass versus speeding up I guess... :(
Then the WORST news I could imagine. My gramma tells me today that the spot on her kidney they were hoping was a cyst is a mass and is very likely cancer... My heart dropped and shattered into a million pieces when she told me that... I could be near her. I didn't want to break down in front of her and break her strength. She is such a brave woman. She goes for a more thorough scan tomorrow. I am praying with all my strength it is clear and the mass is benign. Even though I am fearful, I want to believe with all my heart i still have many years left with the person I love so much. She has been such a major part of my life for so long, I feel like my world would be so empty without her. I would long to hear her voice, and her tough love... I'm not ready to even begin to think what life could even be like without her in it, so I have to believe that it will be okay.
My emotions are just so jumbled.
I came home and just needed to do something to numb my mind for a bit. Too much emotion going on! So Scott and I sat outside, he kept an eye on kids and I worked at painting the porch, anything to keep my mind off this day.
Not too mention, school starts in less than 2 weeks, (3 weeks for Ash) We have a million appointments to go to in the next month, Bills suck, spending a ton on school supplies sucks, being stressed about having to run all over God's green earth for everything SUCKS.... my mood is just too crappy right now to say life is grand. Then again that is what I use this blog for; My venting space where I can come deposit the emotions I don't want to hold on to, take a deep breath, and think happier thoughts.
-Cass
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