Sunday, April 10, 2016

Postpartum Journal Week 4

This week started out with good intentions. I went to pick up my mother so we could have a week of exercising, good food.

My heart is hurting. I am so tired and my heart is hurting. That feeling like your throat is closing and your chest feels tight. I see a once beautiful, vibrant, woman fade into a weak shell, gasping for life. I kissed her head. I kissed her again with a nanny kiss. I will never have a kiss from my nanny again. I will never hear her call me sugar or baby doll. Days of pot roast and fresh bread, picking up sticks from her yard.... days of coloring books coming down from the top of the closet... days that have long passed. I only visited a handful of times at her other places, the assisted living apartment, the apartment in Lexington... the apartment in Galion, heck even at the nursing home. Life was always so busy right? Yet this past week. The past 4 days.... I sat there, bedside watching her fade from the world. It really hurts. It hurts bad. I am so exhausted. physically, emotionally. so tired.

RIP Nanny


Feelings, feelings go away...

Depression, stop trying to rear your ugly head into my life. Stop making me feel so lonely.

I think I am trying too hard... what does it take to make friends and have people truly love and care for you? I give my money, my support, my love... yet who am I to anyone? Of course, I am not stupid, I am aware that my presence makes an impact, mostly to my family. I am aware I am a necessity in my children's lives. A recent death has shown me that... yet that feeling of being unloved rears it's head. That thought that I am not invited to things, that no one thinks of me, or calls me to share good news or bad.

I've come to accept that I will never be a bridesmaid and I will always be that person people go to last. It just sucks to so badly want to be with people to have friends to care for and people to care for me. I feel like I have spent the past decade of my life in isolation. I have had fair weather friends here and there and the friends that I truly love were always so far and unable to be around. I crave companionship. I have trouble understanding how my husband can stand to be alone. To have no close friends outside of me. We have been each other's main friend... it makes me nervous for our move wondering if I will be able to handle having him for one less hour everyday when I already feel so isolated. Yet this move is supposed to be the solution to my isolation.

 At our last get together we had almost 30 people at our house and it made me so sad to look at them and say... you know, I don't really know you. I can't say I have been to your house, know if you have siblings, I can't say that I know your favorite things, where you work or for some, that I even know their last name. Is that really a friend? When we don't talk outside of a large get together. It's not that I don't appreciate the company but I need more than just acquaintances in my life. I've been alone for so long... is this what I have to expect with adulthood? I'm not even 30 yet. Then again, maybe all these feelings are hormones. Then again maybe all my friends will come out of the wood work and tell me to shut the hell up and that they love me. Maybe this is just post partum depression back to battle me in a different form. I'm trying to cling to the light and not go down this road.