Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Colgan Baby #4 Pregnancy Journal- Week 5

When I first saw those 2 lines pop up instantly saying "pregnant" on April 8th I cried. No I take that back, I bawled. Then I went downstairs and told Scott the news and he held me while I bawled some more.

"I already have babies" I sobbed... "In diapers, crying, milk drinking babies..."

Asher was born in February of 2012 and only 10 months later I was pregnant with Azzie. I got severely overwhelmed, depressed, and suffered from anxiety and depression most of my pregnancy and for about 9 months after she was born. It was too much. Handling 3 children was too much. Now here I was 18 months after Azzie finding out I was pregnant with a fourth. Emotion overwhelmed me and for a second all I could think is... I can't feel like that again. I can't let depression get hold of me AGAIN.

That night I sat in bed thinking. I need to change my thinking. I knew I wanted another baby later down the road so what are the benefits of having this baby a little sooner?

1. I get to have the same midwives that delivered Azzie and Asher attend this baby's birth. (instead of trying to figure out who to go to after we move to Tennessee.)

2.I will have given birth to my last child by the age of 27 meaning I will be 45 when my last baby graduates high school. So young still and able to enjoy life!

3.My kids will all go to school together and be close in age. My brother and I were 6 years apart and were never in school together, It definitely affected things.

4.We already have all the baby things we need for both a boy or girl so we can keep the sex of this baby a surprise.... so lots of positives.

Once I got my mind leaning towards the positive I had to think, how can I proactively keep my mind this way... and it hit me... I need to take care of me this time around! I didn't want to mope around focusing on something I can't (or rather won't) change.Who knew taking care of myself could feel so good! I want to do everything "right". I'm actually taking those yucky prenatal vitamins and folate, adding fruits and veggies to EVERY meal, and drinking water and hot tea like a fish. I have begun an exercise routine and try to rest for an hour in the afternoon... I have to say I feel wonderful! I am focusing on being happy and pregnant.

I also feel relieved. Knowing that this will be my last baby has given me a sense of calm. I know after this my body will be my own again forever. After this no more worries about "surprises" and I can enjoy watching my children grow. I expect I will get those twinges every now and again, but at 4 I feel complete. I feel relaxed. It's like somehow things will be easier now. Haha.

Due December 10-12th... somewhere in there.. :)