Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Pregnancy Journal Week 37- Why I am scared to give birth again.

Here I sit at 37 weeks. Doing an okay job of keeping my blood sugar in check and under 140, dealing with the daily annoying contractions that get stronger, and the pain in my pelvis and hips from all the weight. I want to be done, but to be honest, I am scared.

I keep having people confidently tell me, I will be fine, I've done this before, I know what to expect... yada yada yada.... but it's just that... I know what to expect and for some reason the encouragement isn't helping.

Here's a list of all the reasons why I am scared to give birth again:

1. The pain. Dear Lord in heaven.. the pain. Natural childbirth is hard and painful and intense. Each child is different, who's to say this one won't get stuck or I'll have another long labor... or maybe I will have another super fast BUT super intense birth like Azzie's I fear baby getting stuck in the most painful stage and me having to deal with the pain for more than a few minutes.... I don't feel like I would be strong enough... I'd rather take a bullet to the head.

2. To go off of point one, I am scared this baby will be large and am worried about it's position since it is facing differently than my other 3 children.

3. This is our last child... what if something happens? Of course leave it to FB to show me photos of dead babies, babies with deformities and all sorts of other issues as I prepare to give birth myself... yeah, that helps my nerves.

4. To go off point 3... if something happened to this baby, we couldn't have another (biologically).. am I okay with that? I know I never want to be pregnant again, but I also know that our family is complete at 4 kids.

5. I already have kids, if something happened to me or the baby.... it just adds more stress to the mix.

6. I am in a new place. I have never given birth here and for some reason that makes me uncomfortable. I almost feel like I would relax more if I were back at our old apartment where I birthed our other 2 children.

7. Did I mention birth was painful?

8. This is my first dry birth. I hope I made a good choice in foregoing the water birth option this time, but again, the change makes me a little nervous. I just don't feel like there is a place here where I would be comfortable in a tub...

9. Impending delivery makes me feel trapped. I feel like I am being forced to do something very unpleasant, the outcome is wonderful, but the process is unpleasant. Like my midwife said, it is like a roller coaster... first you're excited to ride, then you get on and start heading up the massive hill and the closer you get to the top the more you wish you could just turn around... then it peaks... but at the end you are glad you rode... I'm at the peak saying... "where is the emergency exit button?"

10. I keep getting little adrenaline rushes from nerves. You know when you are really nervy and you startle easily? I feel that way constantly, just little adrenaline rushes in my heart. I hate feeling on edge. Being diagnosed with panic disorder does nothing to help my case.

All in all, I just really dislike pregnancy and birth. I don't like how it feels, I don't like feeling trapped. I don't like all the discomfort it brings... I am ready to be done. This next week my goal is to work on fear release and letting go... Wish me luck with that.