Monday, July 20, 2015

So I've had a bad day and its only 2 in the afternoon...

Today... let's talk about today. First I call Wells Fargo, I opened a new line of credit with our bed. Received my first bill on July 13th due July 7th...and a second bill 4 days later telling me I owed them double the bill + a late fee... Had to go through loops to get that taken care of.
I made a roman shade from some mini blinds.. worked out pretty good, so that was a small success, just wish I had some thicker fabric on hand.
Then, we get ready to go into town. I had to pay my car payment, we were going to stop and get lunch and Asher had an appointment at 1:40 to check on the penny in his belly that he swallowed. Oy.
Pay my car payment, all the kids were doing were fighting and fighting... very distracting. I almost missed a stop sign and slammed on my breaks... we had 8 and 6 foot pieces of wood in the car we bought for making a head board... those pieces flew up front, cutting my arm, scraping the dash and hit the windshield. Thankfully it did not crack but OW!!!
We go to Wendy's and get some lunch, they got rid of the sandwich I liked, the chicken dill one that was cheaper... damn them. A normal chicken sandwich with pickles just isn't the same.
Get to the pediatricians, I forgot Asher's medical screening paper that needs filled out and Aiden says he forgot to put on shoes... Because telling him "Get your shoes on and get in the car." Was just too complicated of a request I guess.
I went in really quick and asked Kerra if I could reschedule. Thankfully they have a spot open tomorrow afternoon.
Come home, unload all that damn wood from the car before someone really gets hurt with it.

Let see, Scott came home, I left for midwives. Not sure I like the drive to Amy's new place, it feels a lot longer of a drive. It's really not but it feel like it. Jill missed half the appointment which was fine, Amy and I just chatted a bit. Baby's heart sounded good and they said I measured spot on, Though I felt Jill was a bit above my pelvic bone... I don't know. I'm just excited to see the baby this Thursday when we go for our ultrasound... still trying to make the decision on whether or not we want to know the sex!


Thursday, July 16, 2015

The filth that is my home...

Nobody reads my blog right? Seems that this has become the place I go to write down all my thoughts and feelings I really want to get out but don't feel like hearing the criticism or opinions over.

Scott and I have decided to list our home for sale. It was a hard choice for me to just say yes. I made the agreement that as long as we walk away with some cash in our pockets, I'll be okay. I don't want to come out even... then I feel like I put in a ton of work for someone else again, I want to walk away even, plus some cash for us to get started again. My goal is 5k or more in the positive.

That means that we need to get our butts in gear and get this house cleaned up. The closets are cluttered, our shelves are full, our basement practically has another house worth of furniture...Just TOO MUCH STUFF!

We have too much.

The point of this is to downsize right? looks like hubby and I need to get on the ball, go through our things and have a major purge/yard sale. No more maybe we will need this... just do it. Be done. Maybe we should just find out the sex of the baby so we can purge all the opposite sex baby clothes. Toys, clothes, furniture... it all needs to just hit the road.
I am so tired of so much stuff, It makes everything feel so messy, constantly.

Speaking of messes. My house is one giant one. These kids seek to destroy everything they touch. In order to have things nice we would have to purge all things smaller than a soccer ball, paper, all writing utensils, books, and toys. Cabinets would need to be locked, plastic on everything and barriers for the walls... then possibly, it might be feasible to keep this place clean.

It doesn't cease to amaze me how they just "find" things and the places where they "hide" things. Today cleaning up Aiden's room I found an moldy apple core in his drawer, how awesome is that? Azzie found a small piece of crayon some place and drew on the walls... I went to take the crayon but she ate it. Asher is like a hound dog when it comes to money. He can find it anywhere.... and I am constantly finding it hidden in toys, pants, books, etc...

Scott and I work ourselves to the bone and our kids' main goal seems to be to destroy everything nice we own. Like last night when Scott and I were cutting up chickens, Azzie had major runs that leaked our the sides and up the back of her diapers... she proceeded to crawl all over the couch, smearing shit everywhere. Aiden took the plastic off of his brand new bed because it got wrinkled. Instead of asking me to fix it, he proceeded to pee the bed 3 nights in a row and soak his new mattress in urine.. How awesome are kids?!

I am so stressed. Scott seems nervous now to have a vasectomy. I used to be... but this is hard. Day in and day out chaos and mess is breaking me down. I love the kids we have. I don't want any more. I'm perfectly okay with us no longer being fertile.

I'm perfectly okay with not having little kids anymore...
I'm perfectly okay with the idea that being done with this may make me feel old.
And to hell with anyone who tells me I should be cherishing or be more grateful.
I'm entitled to my feelings so F*%& off.

We have so much to do, finish the deck, paint, counters and kitchen backsplash, Kids bath, and gates... all to get our positive to walk away...

So we can start this chaos in some place new... some place that is cheap enough that it won't hurt so bad if the kids mess it up... Get our financial security... and then maybe, just maybe someday we can have our dream home.


Monday, July 13, 2015

Pregnancy Journal Week 18- Chiropractors are saints.

This past week has been awful! My back has been killing me right between my shoulder blades, my mid back muscle on the right, and my sternum is hurting again... though I did have about 2 pain free weeks till I injured it again... Anywho, I have been in misery. No matter which way I lay, somewhere in my back is pinched and hurting.

My chiropractor was away on vacation the entire past week, so you can bet, first thing the office opened today I called to get in. He cracked my back right between my shoulders and it felt like 5 vertebrae, my shoulders and everything popped all in one crack. You know that feeling when you hit your funny bone, it hurts, but makes you laugh and actually sort of feels good.... that's how this was. As soon as he cracked it, I went, "Dear God." and then laughed through pain for about 2 minutes straight. It felt so good but hurt so bad at the same time. I iced it when I got home and am sitting on the heating pad now to baby it some...

Lets see, baby is still moving more and more everyday and my uterus keeps getting taller. I go for an ultrasound next Thursday... excited to see our sweet babe.

We took the chickens in this evening to be butchered. We have a local amish family do it for us... Some of those chickens were crazy fat and heavy... it will be so nice to have 25 chickens worth of meat to line our freezer and to finally get rid of their portable shelter and let all the chicken poo wash away.

Other than that, nothing is really new. Been tired a lot, but today I actually had a little energy, which is surprising as I barely slept last night. Scott had a nice birthday, I feel like an ass for not giving him a card, but I did get him an ice cream cake... so that was something.
Off to bed for me now.


Sunday, July 12, 2015

My heart is so conflicted...

Here I am at 18 weeks pregnant and my husband and I have started to weigh the idea of selling our home. Why? Why would we want to sell our lovely ranch country home that we have only lived in for a year and a half? Because it is expensive, that's why. We could save HUNDREDS every month living in a cheaper place. That would mean paying off our debt quickly, that would mean financial security for our family, and a smaller place would mean less maintenance for this busy mom. It would mean me not having to work so much and focusing more on the kids... BUT it would also mean giving up a home that I have fallen in love with. it would mean another round of packing, purging, and uprooting all our things, a new place to adjust to, new would mean losing the garden I have invested thousands into, and letting go of the dreams I had for this home.

After losing our home in Sidney and having to wait for years to be able to buy again, and living in the cramped Arbors apartments we couldn't wait to spread out and have a place to call our own again. We wanted to be in our home at least 5-7 years. We wanted a place to call our "home".

When I was a child, my parents constantly moved place to place, since Scott and I have been married we have moved nearly every year that we have been married. -Wapak Ave.-Piper St.-Spruce St.-Vandenbosh Ave.- West Lake Rd.- The Arbors- and finally settled here. 7 moves within 7 years of marriage. Is it just that we can't seem to make good choices? Is it that every time we try to move up, life gives us a kick back down telling us we're not ready? I just don't know.

We are not necessarily house poor in the house we are in. It's just that we have a lot of debt. His school loans, my school loans, the car payment, credit cards from purchasing this or that, giving birth to 3 kids and paying $3200 out of pocket each time, hospital bills from broken legs, crushed fingers, and swollen lymph nodes... it all adds up. Quick. It sucks our money... A surprise bill from the IRS, piano lessons, and children's needs... it all adds up. Debt free we would be set to take on all this, but we are not debt free.

So now we sit here conflicted, do we stay, slowly trying to whittle down our debts between "extra" expenses, investing into the home we have and hope we get the pay off later when we do go to sell, or do we sell now, down grade all we have and dedicate all our money to our debts in hopes that we can upgrade again? What if it doesn't work out either way? What if we make another poor choice and again have to call it "a loss"... We've had so many things we have had to call "a loss".
Why is life so stressful and so damn hard? I hate hard choices. I hate feeling conflicted.

My heart tells me to stay. That I love my home, my space, my flowers and I deserve to enjoy the fruit of our labor, Enjoy what 7 years worth of marriage and work has earned us... my brain says, be smart, get financially secure, let kids get bigger, then move up... then move up.... it's always later... it always takes just a little more work, just a little more patience... just more time.

I'm sick of fixing up the places that I live in only to leave them for others to enjoy.

At West Lake Rd. I planted flowers, we built our son an awesome playhouse, we remodeled the kitchen and bath, painted and and upgraded the fixtures... only to leave. As soon as it was all finished, we left. I never even got to see what the kitchen looked like finished.

Almost everywhere I have lived in the last 7 years, I have planted flowers... this is the first time I have ever gotten to see my garden come up the second year... I really liked that. I REALLY liked that.

We plan on redoing our current kitchen, fixing our porch, just fenced in our yard...
For what? the next Joe Smo to enjoy while I go in live in a cheap home for the sake of financial security? It eats at my soul. It really does. It hurts my heart to constantly start over. I'm ready for something stable in my life, something that sticks, but is that me being selfish? Is it what's best for our family?

We will be looking at houses some more this week and weighing our options, crunching numbers, doing our best to figure out the smartest move to secure our future, but I have to admit, it makes my heart hurt.


Thursday, July 2, 2015

Pregnancy Journal- Week 17- I hate being pregnant.

Alright... I'm done. Is it too early to say that? TO say I'm done? I came into this pregnancy with the idea to make it great! To do all the right things, think nothing but positive thoughts, and enjoy my last pregnancy... I have come to the conclusion that as much as I would love to delude my mind into believing that this pregnancy is great. I just really don't enjoy being pregnant. Don't get me wrong, there are the awe moments when it's cool. Feeling baby kick and those moments where you don't feel like complete crap and you sit in awe of how awesome it really is that your body is making another human... pretty cool.

However, morning sickness, excessive relaxin production, exhaustion, braxton hicks, stretch marks, and uncomfortable clothes (because to me all clothes are currently uncomfortable) can take a hike. Instead of fading off at 11 to 13 weeks like my previous pregnancies, morning sickness has decided to hang around and progressively get worse. My joints are already hyper mobile causing annoying aches and pains that will continue to worsen, I'm overly tired and have constant heartburn/sour stomach... and well I just dislike being pregnant!

I feel like it is sort of blasphemous to say that, to say I really loathe ... I mean dislike being pregnant. I can hear that little voice in the back of my head... "Well at least you can go through this, there are women that would love to be in your shoes." I want to just say, I am aware of that, I wish all women could feel these glorious discomforts and brief moments of awe. I'm not wanting to sound ungrateful. I love my children dearly, but I also feel that I can legitimately say for me, the experience to get these awesome kids sucks. On my road to keeping a positive attitude I have decided that admitting when I am not happy or am bothered is actually healthier for me then putting on a face that all is fine and dandy in the world. I can still be positive while laughing and admitting this sucks. haha.

That's all the news I have that I want to share really...but to curb from the complaints, I have been feeling baby move multiple times a day now! :D Those little movements make me smile. Grow baby grow! Then get out! haha!