Sunday, July 12, 2015

My heart is so conflicted...

Here I am at 18 weeks pregnant and my husband and I have started to weigh the idea of selling our home. Why? Why would we want to sell our lovely ranch country home that we have only lived in for a year and a half? Because it is expensive, that's why. We could save HUNDREDS every month living in a cheaper place. That would mean paying off our debt quickly, that would mean financial security for our family, and a smaller place would mean less maintenance for this busy mom. It would mean me not having to work so much and focusing more on the kids... BUT it would also mean giving up a home that I have fallen in love with. it would mean another round of packing, purging, and uprooting all our things, a new place to adjust to, new stresses...it would mean losing the garden I have invested thousands into, and letting go of the dreams I had for this home.

After losing our home in Sidney and having to wait for years to be able to buy again, and living in the cramped Arbors apartments we couldn't wait to spread out and have a place to call our own again. We wanted to be in our home at least 5-7 years. We wanted a place to call our "home".

When I was a child, my parents constantly moved place to place, since Scott and I have been married we have moved nearly every year that we have been married. -Wapak Ave.-Piper St.-Spruce St.-Vandenbosh Ave.- West Lake Rd.- The Arbors- and finally settled here. 7 moves within 7 years of marriage. Is it just that we can't seem to make good choices? Is it that every time we try to move up, life gives us a kick back down telling us we're not ready? I just don't know.

We are not necessarily house poor in the house we are in. It's just that we have a lot of debt. His school loans, my school loans, the car payment, credit cards from purchasing this or that, giving birth to 3 kids and paying $3200 out of pocket each time, hospital bills from broken legs, crushed fingers, and swollen lymph nodes... it all adds up. Quick. It sucks our money... A surprise bill from the IRS, piano lessons, and children's needs... it all adds up. Debt free we would be set to take on all this, but we are not debt free.

So now we sit here conflicted, do we stay, slowly trying to whittle down our debts between "extra" expenses, investing into the home we have and hope we get the pay off later when we do go to sell, or do we sell now, down grade all we have and dedicate all our money to our debts in hopes that we can upgrade again? What if it doesn't work out either way? What if we make another poor choice and again have to call it "a loss"... We've had so many things we have had to call "a loss".
Why is life so stressful and so damn hard? I hate hard choices. I hate feeling conflicted.

My heart tells me to stay. That I love my home, my space, my flowers and I deserve to enjoy the fruit of our labor, Enjoy what 7 years worth of marriage and work has earned us... my brain says, be smart, get financially secure, let kids get bigger, then move up... then move up.... it's always later... it always takes just a little more work, just a little more patience... just more time.

I'm sick of fixing up the places that I live in only to leave them for others to enjoy.

At West Lake Rd. I planted flowers, we built our son an awesome playhouse, we remodeled the kitchen and bath, painted and and upgraded the fixtures... only to leave. As soon as it was all finished, we left. I never even got to see what the kitchen looked like finished.

Almost everywhere I have lived in the last 7 years, I have planted flowers... this is the first time I have ever gotten to see my garden come up the second year... I really liked that. I REALLY liked that.

We plan on redoing our current kitchen, fixing our porch, just fenced in our yard...
For what? the next Joe Smo to enjoy while I go in live in a cheap home for the sake of financial security? It eats at my soul. It really does. It hurts my heart to constantly start over. I'm ready for something stable in my life, something that sticks, but is that me being selfish? Is it what's best for our family?

We will be looking at houses some more this week and weighing our options, crunching numbers, doing our best to figure out the smartest move to secure our future, but I have to admit, it makes my heart hurt.

-Cass

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