Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Pregnancy Journal and Needing to Cry- 21 weeks 6 Days

The past weeks have been mildly interesting ones, the past few days chaotic. I am a vat of emotions right now. Most of them nervous, scared, and sad ones.

Thankfully none of these feelings are because of the baby. Baby is healthy, beautiful, growing great and strong (12 ounces already!). We had an ultrasound on July 23rd. It was neat. Seeing baby in 3D/4D... looks like Ash... makes me think maybe a boy, though I have to admit I am hoping for a girl. Didn't find out the sex though. Still keeping it a surprise. I'm really, really proud of myself about that because I was really tempted when the technician looked and kept giving me goofy looks. Actually upset me a little that she knew. :-/

Not really feeling that pregnant anymore. Even though baby is moving quite a bit. I'm just not feeling that emotional connection? I think I went through this phase with all my pregnancies, so I'm not too worried about it.

Worked lots on our house, took gramma to Pizza Hut for her birthday and brought her flowers. I was also guilt tripped by a cousin for not driving 6 hours round trip for a cook out... oy.

So, onto this week. My mom came for a few days, I enjoyed her company and the extra hands! She's so stressed and going through a lot. I really hope she can pull through it and get to the other side okay. I would go into more detail, but my mom's life really isn't my business to write about. I will just say that I look forward to having my mom be more relaxed and happy.

Then today... today was just a really, no good, terrible, truly BAD day. My friend had to have a heart surgery... didn't work. She will have to go back for them to try again and knock her out. She's got a rough couple days ahead as she recovers. I'm keeping her little one. He's a bit of a handful, but thankfully I seem to be doing better with him than I gave myself credit for... we will see how tomorrow goes.

I got pulled over on my way home... $135 ticket. The road was merging down to one lane, and this lady kept slowing down and speeding up so I could not get over, then she flipped me the bird and kept me trapped. I finally sped up to try to pass her, then she sped up even faster so I slammed my brakes to let her and the 3 cars following her pass, only after A police officer tried to pull us both over, Unfortunately she kept going and I actually pulled over... He felt so bad giving me the ticket... he saw what she did and how she harassed me, but I was speeding and I could have pulled over and waited for all the cars to pass versus speeding up I guess... :(

Then the WORST news I could imagine. My gramma tells me today that the spot on her kidney they were hoping was a cyst is a mass and is very likely cancer... My heart dropped and shattered into a million pieces when she told me that... I could be near her. I didn't want to break down in front of her and break her strength. She is such a brave woman. She goes for a more thorough scan tomorrow. I am praying with all my strength it is clear and the mass is benign. Even though I am fearful, I want to believe with all my heart i still have many years left with the person I love so much. She has been such a major part of my life for so long, I feel like my world would be so empty without her. I would long to hear her voice, and her tough love... I'm not ready to even begin to think what life could even be like without her in it, so I have to believe that it will be okay.

My emotions are just so jumbled.
I came home and just needed to do something to numb my mind for a bit. Too much emotion going on! So Scott and I sat outside, he kept an eye on kids and I worked at painting the porch, anything to keep my mind off this day.

Not too mention, school starts in less than 2 weeks, (3 weeks for Ash) We have a million appointments to go to in the next month, Bills suck, spending a ton on school supplies sucks, being stressed about having to run all over God's green earth for everything SUCKS.... my mood is just too crappy right now to say life is grand. Then again that is what I use this blog for; My venting space where I can come deposit the emotions I don't want to hold on to, take a deep breath, and think happier thoughts.


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