Pregnancy- Week 24- Video Games are the Bane of my Existance

Here comes yet another rant, brought to you by none other than your favorite pregnant lady (if you are one of the few people that actually read my posts you know this is the place where I come to dump all my emotional yucky feelings.

I hate video games... HATE them. I hate smart phones, and overuse of technology. I'm talking some severe vehement hate. I don't think I would be so bias if I had a spouse that didn't spend his life attached to a screen, but since I am, I do.

The past few weeks we have been working our asses off. But I have definitely done a majority of the work between his whining. I remodeled the entire guest bathroom, (he put in the light after sighing about it) still waiting on him to put in the faucet. I painted the entire back deck ( a few days worth of work) with the exception of the very front, as it requires ladder use) He took 2 boards out, put 2 new ones in, and cut a piece of rail and screwed it in. I cleaned out all the flower beds and planted the plants, he edged, and if I'm lucky to catch him in a not whiny mood, he will put the mulch down. I lifted and dumped 500 lbs of sand and 150 pounds of pebble, he raked out straw.... see the difference?

Today, with only 3 hours of sleep, I have gotten my son off to his first day of school, repaired the wall paper in the bathroom, and fixed A's door jamb... all before 11am.

I am just so tired of feeling like he comes home and stares at a screen. That's all he ever WANTS to do. ALL THE TIME. It's constant. His new fixation is Brave Frontier. Some stupid game that is a mix between Final Fantasy and Pokemon. Even my brother, who is sorta lame, called him a no-lifer because he is on it so much. He literally carries a phone charger with him, and even went as far as to plug in while outside with the kids... ARE YOU SERIOUS? Our family outing to the lake, he's on his phone. Any free moment he can find, he's sneaking off to the basement to drown himself in a game... When does it stop? I try not to nag, I try to compromise, but FUCK WHEN DOES IT LET UP!?

I have even almost ended our marriage! I shouldn't have to compete with computers and screens, I shouldn't have to beg for a PARTNER... yet here I sit, dumbfounded at what he chooses as priorities. He really just must not give a shit. I honestly think if a burglar came into our house with a baseball bat and threatened to hit me or the computer, he's let him hit me. The only time I have seen him angry and almost violent is if I threatened to unplug the stupid thing.

He thinks he's so calm, so collected and put together, but fails to see that he is a goddamned addict. Just because you work and pay bills doesn't mean you don't have issues... they call that functioning addiction.
When a man won't even bath his poop covered daughter or have sex with his wife... looks at his phone the second he gets up and the last moment before bed versus cuddling. When some form of electronic is always in his face that he can't ever make eye contact and it's almost a treat when he does... yeah, that's addiction alright.

I don't even know what to do about it... They say you can't change people, they have to want to change themselves. I've considered divorce... that might wake him up... but for what? So some other woman can have the man I wanted all along? That idea just makes me pissy. He doesn't seem to care how his gaming is affecting me or the kids... Can't be good for them to always look up and see him looking down... not at them, but at a screen. I just... I don't know. I'm feeling defeated and need a little support in my life.

Pregnancy Journal and Needing to Cry- 21 weeks 6 Days

The past weeks have been mildly interesting ones, the past few days chaotic. I am a vat of emotions right now. Most of them nervous, scared, and sad ones.

Thankfully none of these feelings are because of the baby. Baby is healthy, beautiful, growing great and strong (12 ounces already!). We had an ultrasound on July 23rd. It was neat. Seeing baby in 3D/4D... looks like Ash... makes me think maybe a boy, though I have to admit I am hoping for a girl. Didn't find out the sex though. Still keeping it a surprise. I'm really, really proud of myself about that because I was really tempted when the technician looked and kept giving me goofy looks. Actually upset me a little that she knew. :-/

Not really feeling that pregnant anymore. Even though baby is moving quite a bit. I'm just not feeling that emotional connection? I think I went through this phase with all my pregnancies, so I'm not too worried about it.

Worked lots on our house, took gramma to Pizza Hut for her birthday and brought her flowers. I was also guilt tripped by a cousin for not driving 6 hours round trip for a cook out... oy.

So, onto this week. My mom came for a few days, I enjoyed her company and the extra hands! She's so stressed and going through a lot. I really hope she can pull through it and get to the other side okay. I would go into more detail, but my mom's life really isn't my business to write about. I will just say that I look forward to having my mom be more relaxed and happy.

Then today... today was just a really, no good, terrible, truly BAD day. My friend had to have a heart surgery... didn't work. She will have to go back for them to try again and knock her out. She's got a rough couple days ahead as she recovers. I'm keeping her little one. He's a bit of a handful, but thankfully I seem to be doing better with him than I gave myself credit for... we will see how tomorrow goes.

I got pulled over on my way home... $135 ticket. The road was merging down to one lane, and this lady kept slowing down and speeding up so I could not get over, then she flipped me the bird and kept me trapped. I finally sped up to try to pass her, then she sped up even faster so I slammed my brakes to let her and the 3 cars following her pass, only after A police officer tried to pull us both over, Unfortunately she kept going and I actually pulled over... He felt so bad giving me the ticket... he saw what she did and how she harassed me, but I was speeding and I could have pulled over and waited for all the cars to pass versus speeding up I guess... :(

Then the WORST news I could imagine. My gramma tells me today that the spot on her kidney they were hoping was a cyst is a mass and is very likely cancer... My heart dropped and shattered into a million pieces when she told me that... I could be near her. I didn't want to break down in front of her and break her strength. She is such a brave woman. She goes for a more thorough scan tomorrow. I am praying with all my strength it is clear and the mass is benign. Even though I am fearful, I want to believe with all my heart i still have many years left with the person I love so much. She has been such a major part of my life for so long, I feel like my world would be so empty without her. I would long to hear her voice, and her tough love... I'm not ready to even begin to think what life could even be like without her in it, so I have to believe that it will be okay.

My emotions are just so jumbled.
I came home and just needed to do something to numb my mind for a bit. Too much emotion going on! So Scott and I sat outside, he kept an eye on kids and I worked at painting the porch, anything to keep my mind off this day.

Not too mention, school starts in less than 2 weeks, (3 weeks for Ash) We have a million appointments to go to in the next month, Bills suck, spending a ton on school supplies sucks, being stressed about having to run all over God's green earth for everything SUCKS.... my mood is just too crappy right now to say life is grand. Then again that is what I use this blog for; My venting space where I can come deposit the emotions I don't want to hold on to, take a deep breath, and think happier thoughts.

-Cass