When addiction strikes again

Eight years ago, when I was getting divorced and new to being a single mom, I met a friend who became my best friend. Over the next six years she was one of the most supportive and encouraging people in my life. She always made me feel good about myself. She was the kind of friend that would bring you ice cream in the middle of the night if you were having a moment. The true epitome of what you would expect of a best friend. Our children also became very close, and we have many holidays that we spent together. 

She comes from a very troubled background. Her father committed suicide, and her mother died of cancer, right after she gave birth to her daughter and she fell into postpartum depression. There was a codependency between her and her mother because her mother owned the house she lived in, and her mother depended on her working to pay rent so that she could also live and afford things. Once her mother was out of the picture and no longer applied pressure and coupled with depression…. She decided to bring in a roommate To fill that codependency void and to be a grandma to her baby. 

This roommate with someone I severely disagreed with. This person had a very troubled past and while I am very supportive of transgender people, this person would pretend to be a grandma sometimes, but then be a 55-year-old man other times, and that was a little too strange for me, especially given the troubled past, and the fact that this person also had an 18-year-old girlfriend that they had taken care of as a “grandma” as much as I was not trying to judge, I was judging hard… but it was hard for me because the friend that I love and trusted seemed to also want to trust this suspicious person that I did not trust. That was the first wedge.

Then a high school friend of hers got out of jail, and it was a friend that she used to do drugs with years and years ago. I never would have expected that she would fall back into those habits and I encouraged her to stay away from that girl. Yet, when the horrible roommate screwed her over, she brings in the friend that just got out of jail.  I felt like I’m screaming into the void telling her to keep these people out of her life that they are not her real friends and she doesn’t hear me. She thinks that they’re helping her through her hard time and she’s helping them and it’s a win-win and I see it for what it is, my friend who has struggled to build a good life for herself, and barely hanging onto it, being drug down into the trenches.

And that’s exactly what happened. She ended up losing the home that she lived in. She gave away her children to aunts and uncle’s. One in foster care… She decided she wanted to be a vagabond who would go around begging and live her life at festivals and doing drugs. She left their home, homeless people came in and destroyed it, and her partner and father of her child drank himself to death, literally, while she was away partying. I literally over the course of the past two years watched my best friend’s beautiful family and gorgeous life dissolve into what I would consider the most horrible thing I’ve had to witness.

She is now in jail For drugs and theft and spent her 40th birthday in jail. This is absolutely devastating to me. I’ve stepped back as her friend and I’ve kept myself away, because I hold very high standards for the people I allow in my life, and when she began to behave that way I told her she was not allowed to be around me and I was hoping it would wake her up and tell her that she was lowering her standards. 

I feel in an immense guilt because I feel like I don’t know what I should do I’ve tried to talk sense into her, but she’s erratic and acting manic. She came to my house drunk some thing I find completely unacceptable especially around children and she knows it. 

My heart is broken because I want to call her. I want to visit her I want to help her and I don’t know what to do. How did such a beautiful person who helped me heal who is so smart, emotionally intelligent and KNOWS IT, she went to college to be a social worker. She knows what living her life in “turd town” looks like…. how is she not stopping herself?! Do I help her or do I stay away? We haven’t spoke since I told her to leave me alone when she came to my house drunk but my heart is so broken for her for our children for our families. 

I feel crushed because I feel like I should still be emotionally supporting her, that I should still be trying to love her through this, because she loved me so wonderfully through my hardest point and I feel like she STILL deserves the beautiful life. there are so many years left to make amends for the damage done but real healing has to happen and I don’t know how to get that through to her how to know when it is REAL. She’s turned into a con. 

So my choices are, is she in my life or out?

Forgiveness

 Sometimes I feel like I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel like all of the past pain that I used to forgive just doesn’t feel forgivable anymore and every day I just feel hurt and angry inside. 

I’m angry that I spent so many parts of my life, abused and neglected it hurts that I can’t always speak what’s on my heart, especially to those who I love. I stopped having friends because it all feels like too much.  I struggle because their parts of me that feels so happy to be restarting and to see all the wonderful things happening in my life while still grieving all of the people that I’ve loved that aren’t here with me. Its strange yo always be surrounded yet always feel so isolated

Thoughts…

I ’m horrible at responding.

I am that friend that doesn’t check for new messages or starts a conversation, gets distracted and forgets to come back…

I also get SO lonely because I isolate myself. A LOT. I used to believe that I was an extrovert because I was really good at being in social situations and talking in crowds or public speaking. But what I found is, I’m really good at those things when I HAVE to do them. 

However, I find the art of maintaining relationships to be very difficult unless the other person is initiating or constantly within my space . I realize the only kind of friends that I typically can have are needy ones. People who need to call me or specifically ask things of me. I’ve tried to push myself to be the person to make contact, but I’m horrible at follow through. I realized over the past few years how much I’ve given in friendships and how much some friendships have broken my heart. Sometimes friends don’t feel worth it, so it’s not something I pursue. I drown myself in work instead. Maintaining a large household solo has been a lot of work. 

Thanks for listening. I know that you guys are my friends and people who care for me…. But also, I know that you guys know what I mean because how much do you know about me really?  they say the path the healing is sharing your story, i’ve only ever found vulnerability leaves you open to judgment. So here it is. 

Also, if I could add a tiny rand on how much I hate that everything I read is written by AI . 

There’s no variation, no soul, I can see that it’s ChatGPT. Ugh. 

Jail

 Please pray for me. 

I am beyond distressed. 

I’m so sick every day. My heart feels fluttery, my stomach sick, I hate the way I feel. Anxiety is at an all time peak and I feel powerless. Left to sit and wait for what comes, forced to endure and be okay with outcomes no matter how hard. No matter who it affects. I suffer silent and alone. I don’t put my life out there for others to see. I’ve worked so hard and for what? What has it been for? Please God I beg you. Please be with me in this. 🙏 

To those that don’t know. When Scott and I divorced I took NOTHING  from our marriage. No alimony, retirements, NOTHING. 

I asked for our house and for patience while I refinance and help the first year. Scott gave me 1yr to refinance the house in solely my name after our divorce. Me, being a newly divorced, newly employed person couldn’t qualify… Need more financial history to meet requirements, they say. I couldn’t refinance. 

2nd year comes we go to court, Scott asks to disown Aiden, asks to be residential parent of the 3 little kids, asks judge to make me sell. I ask for more time and remind the court Scott has been Aiden’s SOLE father his entire life. 

The judge ruled with Aiden (so he’s back in their picture after nearly 2 years of exclusion. I’m still residential parent… still working on my refinance. I have the income, have the equity. It’s literally only financial history holding me back being able to PROVE what I earn when I can only file taxes once a year and am a business owner… 

Because I still could not refinance the court, found me in contempt of court and sentenced me to 30 days in jail. I have until February 1 to try to finish refinancing or have my home sold or I go to jail.

Lenders are still hee hawing around and I’m still waiting for answers as the clock ticks away towards me sitting in a cage for 30 days. 

Scott will deny it up and down, but his goal is to see me fail. He asked me to “just admit I can’t do it already”

To see our kids have to leave this place to be made to go with him because I can’t keep a stable house. 🙄

It has been his desire to hurt me and break apart this family,

It kills him to see us live in this home, 

He would see the mother of his children go to jail.

 His children have to leave their schools and Aiden struggle to try to find a way to and from school. 

He would see me and my business fail. 

All while him and his wife are taking multiple overseas vacations in their paid house, with their paid for cars. I 100% pay the mortgage and they are not affected. They just choose to ignore the option of just being kind and helpful. 

And all I can think of where is where is the justice in any of this? I don’t deserve this awfulness! 

I have worked so hard. 

Please pray for God to be with me. 

When Accidents Happen

I can always tell when I have a lot on my mind. My house is spotless, I watered my flower beds, washed the siding and deck of the front porch, cleaned out the garage, washed trim work and walls, mopped floors, its almost 10pm and I still feel manic. Its so stressful to want to be more helpful or feel more "there" for others when you really cant help anything and responsibilities like paying bills and tending to a home, children, and pets keep me here. I want to drop everything and take a few days but my logical brain swirls in a place of ambivalence and wont allow me to put myself in an irresponsible place for the sake of someone else. I cant sacrifice my wellbeing and my stability. Ive come too far and worked too hard to let someone else's setbacks become my setbacks. I have to refrain from wanting to rescue people from their own path of growth and learning when it gets painful. I dont like seeing people I love hurt. But where does the boundary of love for others end and the love for self start? 

Im making space and it feels surreal i dont know what its for. Future Cassie, when you read this reflect on how you feel, this discomfort of transition. What's coming and did you let it?

5/1/24- I dont think so, I think I did, but then I didnt. I ended it and I was big sad. I dated some, I think I was still too focused on I need someone to comeplete me, to help me, be there for me. Nate helps with cleaning, he maintains laundry "ok" and dishes. He listens more, he tries. It also feels like he thinks therapy is a new manipulation tactic. Sometimes he's actually calling me out though and that's good, but when he's not it feels like it dismantles the good we are trying to work for.  I would say still kinda in the cycle. I had my worst sad day ever the other day. went to him. he listed off "all hes given and does" he stood up for me. There was a time when that was all I wanted. Im glad hes in my court but its really hard. I care for everything work harder than ever and I carried his setbacks on my back too. 

Introspection

As a stay-at-home, work-from-home mom of 4 children, when I say that I need a break, I'm not talking about wanting a reward for doing my job or that I'm seeking a respite from my responsibilities.

It simply means Im requesting a moment to feel like a human being in the midst of a relentless life where I don't belong to myself anymore; where I give my love and energy away, every moment of my existence, and I struggle to keep any for myself.

4 years ago, I broke. I didnt have breaks, I didnt recognize myself outside of dirty spit up and breast milk covered shirts, I felt lonely, isolated, anxious. I wanted to find "me" again but I spent so many years pregnant and nursing and in a hurricane of hormonal chaos, I didnt know who that was anymore. 

You know whats the worst part... is to be convinced in your own mind you're missing yourself, when all along you were always you. 

I had this preconceived idea of expectations of what it meant to be a mom, to be beautiful, to be someone who could give and receive love. It was always there. The only thing keeping me from me being me, was me not loving myself and letting myself care too much what others thought... 

Call it a learning curve, call it growing up... 

"Dont it always seem to go... you dont know what you got till it's gone, they paved paradise and put up a parking lot"

Braces, Wisdom teeth, and the pursuit of a beautiful smile.

So I did it... July 29th I finally did it. I got braces. I had yet to have any tooth extractions, I only got the top ones in and my rings put around the bottom molars after wearing painful spacers for 2 weeks but I finally had them on. I could finally say, "yes, I am actually going through with this."
Braces were an adjustment, my teeth were a bit sore, dental wax was my friend but they really were not as bad as I was expecting, more just annoying until I adjusted to them. Now I barely notice them...

Those who know me, know what has really been holding me back is wisdom tooth removal and extractions. I am a VERY anxious person. I do not like anything that I have to give up the control of my body. The idea of anesthesia or sedation terrifies me. I don't like to take anything that makes me dizzy or feel loopy, anything that could cause strange side effects. Getting me to take tylenol or heck even vitamins can be a challenge.

Last year I thought I could do it. I went in for surgery and the second the anesthetic started to kick in my body hit me with more adrenaline than I have ever felt, I shot up to the surprise of the doctor and nurses heart racing, uncontrollably wailing and screaming no, no, NO. In one of the worst panic attacks I have ever felt. He had given me enough anesthetic, I should have been sleeping.

SO fast forward a year and a half and after the birth of my fourth baby. I want braces and I want them bad. Being put to sleep doesn't work for me. So I found a Dr. that was willing to do my removals my way. Since I had to have 8 teeth removed ( wisdom teeth + 4 premolars) He agreed to allow me to stay awake and to do 2 at a time. Amazing and compassionate man he is.

The top 2 were a breeze, NO PAIN... I barely felt sore, then again they were just simple extractions as that wisdom tooth had fully emerged. The downside was that I had taken clyndamycin as a preventative antibiotic and got Cdiff from it. The horror that was. I was so sick and fatigued and pooing out pus and blood. I was able to fight it off though and have worked hard the past couple weeks to heal my gut and have been taking the recommended probiotics like a champ.

This past Friday was round 2. The removal of my hardest and most impacted, full bony, wisdom tooth... Dear God, lord in heaven the pain. for 5 days now I have been in agony. It just throbs and aches and tylenol and ibuprofen barely touched it. I sat upright through the night holding my face, desperate to sleep. Night time was the absolute WORST. for some reason the pain would be 3 times worse at night. Me being the pharmaphobic person that I am was too scared to take anything stronger. Yeah, life with severe medical anxiety sucks. I called this morning and got in since it was labor day weekend I had no reassurance... they got me right in, I was healing well and all looked well but some food was stuck in my stitches and I had developed a nasty sore along my cheek. he took out the suture, flushed the wound and I have felt much better. Though, I am still pretty sore.

This makes me so scared to even finish. the other bottom tooth is not even emerged, my top is a little emerged.... I just this pain was worse then the c-section and unmedicated home birth of all 4 of my children combined! These past few weeks have been so rough on me emotionally. to be so sick, to feel so crappy every day. It really gives me perspective for those that live with chronic pain. The empathy I feel is beyond words and "I'm sorry you have to experience that" doesn't even touch it.

I keep reminding myself, this isn't chronic, I will get better, in 2 years when I have straight teeth I will say it was so worth it, the same I look at my beautiful children and think how my terrible pregnancies and childbirth was so worth seeing their beautiful lives. I just need to keep thinking positive.

For now I will continue to baby my mouth and body ( as a little sinus cold is trying to sneak it's way in) and I will keep praying to God that my body will heal well and work with me in these next few weeks while I work through my medical fears and do the thing I thought I would never be brave enough to do. Pursue a beautiful smile.

Postpartum Journal Week 4

This week started out with good intentions. I went to pick up my mother so we could have a week of exercising, good food.

My heart is hurting. I am so tired and my heart is hurting. That feeling like your throat is closing and your chest feels tight. I see a once beautiful, vibrant, woman fade into a weak shell, gasping for life. I kissed her head. I kissed her again with a nanny kiss. I will never have a kiss from my nanny again. I will never hear her call me sugar or baby doll. Days of pot roast and fresh bread, picking up sticks from her yard.... days of coloring books coming down from the top of the closet... days that have long passed. I only visited a handful of times at her other places, the assisted living apartment, the apartment in Lexington... the apartment in Galion, heck even at the nursing home. Life was always so busy right? Yet this past week. The past 4 days.... I sat there, bedside watching her fade from the world. It really hurts. It hurts bad. I am so exhausted. physically, emotionally. so tired.

RIP Nanny

1/15/2016

Feelings, feelings go away...

Depression, stop trying to rear your ugly head into my life. Stop making me feel so lonely.

I think I am trying too hard... what does it take to make friends and have people truly love and care for you? I give my money, my support, my love... yet who am I to anyone? Of course, I am not stupid, I am aware that my presence makes an impact, mostly to my family. I am aware I am a necessity in my children's lives. A recent death has shown me that... yet that feeling of being unloved rears it's head. That thought that I am not invited to things, that no one thinks of me, or calls me to share good news or bad.

I've come to accept that I will never be a bridesmaid and I will always be that person people go to last. It just sucks to so badly want to be with people to have friends to care for and people to care for me. I feel like I have spent the past decade of my life in isolation. I have had fair weather friends here and there and the friends that I truly love were always so far and unable to be around. I crave companionship. I have trouble understanding how my husband can stand to be alone. To have no close friends outside of me. We have been each other's main friend... it makes me nervous for our move wondering if I will be able to handle having him for one less hour everyday when I already feel so isolated. Yet this move is supposed to be the solution to my isolation.

 At our last get together we had almost 30 people at our house and it made me so sad to look at them and say... you know, I don't really know you. I can't say I have been to your house, know if you have siblings, I can't say that I know your favorite things, where you work or for some, that I even know their last name. Is that really a friend? When we don't talk outside of a large get together. It's not that I don't appreciate the company but I need more than just acquaintances in my life. I've been alone for so long... is this what I have to expect with adulthood? I'm not even 30 yet. Then again, maybe all these feelings are hormones. Then again maybe all my friends will come out of the wood work and tell me to shut the hell up and that they love me. Maybe this is just post partum depression back to battle me in a different form. I'm trying to cling to the light and not go down this road.

Surviving Postpartum- Week 3

This week actually wasn't too terrible! There were good points and bad points, Points of frustration and tiredness and points of feeling relaxed and content.

Bleeding is pretty much done, just some brown here and there, that's with resuming some house work, cooking and walking. I even went to Kroger and got a huge cart of groceries. It tired me out seeing as it was the busiest I had ever seen it and I had to wait 35 minutes to check out, (it was NYE) BUT I paid a girl $5 to push my cart and load my car for me, so not too bad.

I have had a couple "touched out" spells where I just wanted to put Andew down for a bit and I feel bad because my other 2 little ones have really been lacking on mommy attention and I can tell they are needing some extra love. A little hard at points, especially while nursing.

We have also noticed the past few days Andrew has been VERY fussy... I had forgotten all about witching hours. You know, that point in the day where for 2-4 hours your baby is a fussy, all I want to do is nurse, mess.... yeah. Hard to do much of anything when he is clinging and wanting to nurse like crazy. *sigh*

However, today I did go out and get my hair trimmed, bought myself a capsule wardrobe so I can wear something other than old, been through 3 pregnancies, maternity clothes. I am ready to feel like an individually functioning being again... although I plan to nurse Andrew a full year, exercise, getting out, and doing things that help me feel good about myself are all on my plan to avoid PPD.

Other things accomplished this week, I made a menu for the month to cut down on eating out, and Scott and I got some goals planned for paying off debt, including taking pictures and selling most the crap in our yard sale pile. I also re-opened HBC and got some trees made. The most interesting project though was tie-dying my moby wrap! I love the way the colors came out.

I would say the only real "con" this past week has been my digestion. I have really been having a tough time going to the bathroom. I assume it is because baby is taking up all my liquids and the (let's face it) lovely hemorrhoids from pushing him out have made it hard. I actually went 6 days without going to the bathroom and hurting... yeah... had my first ever enema, that was an interesting experience I hope to never go through again. While things are still slow and rocky (pun intended) Taking calcium mag, upping water intake, eating fiber bars, and 6oz of daily prune juice seem to have started to help.

Here's to hoping week 4 will be better in the digestion department and that Andrew will calm his fussy butt some!

Surviving Postpartum- Weeks 1 &2

I'm going to try to write at least every 2 weeks, keep track of myself and babe and try to see if I can avoid PPD/A by keeping a journal.

Week 1- Well the first 3 days... it was pretty much me going back and forth between, "Come on buddy you got it in your mouth just suck already! Please don't get frustrated." Pulling him away and trying again till we got it. Going on and on... "Isn't he just so beautiful? Don't you just love him? Aren't you just so in love?! He's perfect!!" and feeling dizzy from exhaustion and hating after-pains.

The next couple days I worried, My bleeding was not slowing down, I was gushing and passing gooey strings and still feeling very crampy. I also felt just overly exhausted and continued to stay in bed! I worked at taking care of me by taking little naps and epsom salt baths. Emotionally I was still doing well, I only had one good crying spell and that is because I thought my mom was leaving and I REALLY wanted her to stay. I felt too overwhelmed to care for things on my own.

Day 7- Still worried about my bleeding and passed a clementine sized clot. Freaked out and got a hold of Jill for reassurance... my body needed more time to heal. My bladder would sting and hurt when I peed. Not pleasant, then again I seem to always get that.

After the clot bleeding practically stopped. I started trying to get up a little more. Get my own cup of water, go to the kids room, etc. We even made sugar cookies and icing! Baby steps to getting back in the swing of things.

Day 10- Had 2 decent gushes, I think making my bed and walking around the house more was still a little much. With Azzie I felt amazing the next day and wanted to go all over (and did!) this time things are just going a little slower. I wonder if having mono had anything to do with that. I'm a little irritated that I'm crampy because I need to go to the bathroom but can't. Drank a couple hot cups of Lemon ginsing tea and a big glass of water... hope to get things moving.

The best thing about tonight, I got to take a nice relaxing bath, I shaved, plucked, painted my toes, straightened my hair. I feel a million times better. What's even crazier is that I actually even felt like I wanted to get lovey with Scott... A little too soon for that, but I can't help my hormones! lol. I'm excited and nervous for tomorrow. It will be my first venture out since birth and baby's first car ride. We will finally get to see what it is going to be like juggling 3 car seats in the car. I just pray that everyone is healthy and we don't all come home sick! Azzie and Asher already have a  cough and their voices sound terrible.

Speaking of that, my poor kids miss me, I was out in the living room after getting cleaned up and they were all over me like flies on honey. Especially Azzie. That is one thing I don't like about having such a little baby, they need so much attention and the other little ones don't always understand.

Well, it's after 3am, Ash just climbed in our bed and I am getting tired too. Gonna catch some Zzzz's.

12-13-15 The Home birth of Andrew Michael Colgan

My last baby, my last home birth after cesarean... the birth of Andrew Michael.

4:37am: Woke up to a mildly painful contraction, went pee and found a little bloody show. Got excited and decided to see if contractions would pick up. Went out to the living room and fussed on the Internet. Same mild contractions kept coming every 6-8 minutes so I knew labor was coming.

6:08am:I called Jill and let her know I was in early labor. She asked if I needed her to come I said, "Not yet, things are just getting going." and told her I would let her know when things progressed or got more painful.

8:37am Jill checks in. I let her know contractions were still averaging 7 mins apart a little more intense but FAR from unbearable. What was unbearable was a my resting position caused an awful muscle spasm in my back. I took 2 Tylenol and some calcium magnesium and broke out the heating pad to help it. (who knew that heating pad would see me through my entire labor)

8:55am My mom and azzie woke up and I had not had a contraction since my back spasm began. I was worried that labor may have stopped.  I went and woke up Scott and Asher and told them to leave the bedroom I needed my labor space.

9:18am Jill suggested I rest and carry on with my day if they didn't return.... 1 minute later they returned in full force.

9:19am I text Jill back, "come" and let her know Amy should probably come too.

9 :23am My back was starting to feel better but still was more painful then the contractions, Amy called to hear how I was, I told her I was hurting but contractions were picking up.

9:38am Tylenol kicked in and my back felt better contractions began to hit every 3-5 minutes and were beginning to really hurt. thank God for Scott. He held the heating pad to my back between contractions and put pressure on my back and hips. EVERY contraction he did that.

Around 10am: Jill arrives, checks me and baby, Heart rate sounds good and I was at a 7!!!  I was amazed. These contractions, while painful, were not NEARLY as  bad as they were when I gave birth to Azzie. I had good 3-4 minute breaks between them and the peaks were not as intense.

Around 10:30am (as it gets hard to tell time when laboring) Amy arrived. I continued to sit and rest. when I could break and stand with Scott and the heating pad and his pressure on my back when I contracted. The heating pad felt so good but was making me hot so a wet cool rag felt wonderful on my neck and face.

10:53am: A contraction hit that made me pushy, My body had taken over at this point. Amy asked, "Cass are you pushing?" Yes, yes I was. We were close...

The next 4 contractions were VERY hard to bear and had me begging God for mercy. I had asked him to please let me get the baby out, don't let me be stuck in such pain. My legs trembled as I stood bent over the edge of our bed and I question my strength to stay standing. I pushed with the next contraction and thought that I had crowned the baby, Instead I had began birthing the sac of waters! I reached down and felt it bulging. My husband said it was the coolest thing to see the baby's head but surrounded in water. The next contraction I pushed with all my might, I kept pushing and pushing and at 11:05am birthed my baby in the caul!!!

It took me a few minutes to get my bearings from pushing, but soon I was on the bed saying hi to our new baby. It still took me a few minutes to collect myself and deliver the placenta but about 15-20 minutes after his birth, I asked Scott to tell me the gender... A boy!

We spent our golden hour together, skin to skin as midwives picked up, ran me a warm bath, and my mom prepared me food. After that hour we did stats. Andrew was 9 pounds 3 ounces and 21 inches long. My biggest baby! He had a head full of long dark hair and was perfect.

After getting cleaned up and checked over (no tears and minimal blood loss!) and letting him meet all his siblings our midwives tucked us in bed and made their leave.

I am so happy to have finished out my childbearing years with such a wonderful birth. God really answered my prayers, my labor was not too long, not too short, not too painful. It was perfect.

Birth stats:
Early labor: 4 hours 43 minutes
Active labor: 1 hour 33 minutes
Pushing: 12 minutes
Time till Placenta: 10 minutes

Total time in labor: 6 hours 38 minutes

Pregnancy Journal Week 37- Why I am scared to give birth again.

Here I sit at 37 weeks. Doing an okay job of keeping my blood sugar in check and under 140, dealing with the daily annoying contractions that get stronger, and the pain in my pelvis and hips from all the weight. I want to be done, but to be honest, I am scared.

I keep having people confidently tell me, I will be fine, I've done this before, I know what to expect... yada yada yada.... but it's just that... I know what to expect and for some reason the encouragement isn't helping.

Here's a list of all the reasons why I am scared to give birth again:

1. The pain. Dear Lord in heaven.. the pain. Natural childbirth is hard and painful and intense. Each child is different, who's to say this one won't get stuck or I'll have another long labor... or maybe I will have another super fast BUT super intense birth like Azzie's I fear baby getting stuck in the most painful stage and me having to deal with the pain for more than a few minutes.... I don't feel like I would be strong enough... I'd rather take a bullet to the head.

2. To go off of point one, I am scared this baby will be large and am worried about it's position since it is facing differently than my other 3 children.

3. This is our last child... what if something happens? Of course leave it to FB to show me photos of dead babies, babies with deformities and all sorts of other issues as I prepare to give birth myself... yeah, that helps my nerves.

4. To go off point 3... if something happened to this baby, we couldn't have another (biologically).. am I okay with that? I know I never want to be pregnant again, but I also know that our family is complete at 4 kids.

5. I already have kids, if something happened to me or the baby.... it just adds more stress to the mix.

6. I am in a new place. I have never given birth here and for some reason that makes me uncomfortable. I almost feel like I would relax more if I were back at our old apartment where I birthed our other 2 children.

7. Did I mention birth was painful?

8. This is my first dry birth. I hope I made a good choice in foregoing the water birth option this time, but again, the change makes me a little nervous. I just don't feel like there is a place here where I would be comfortable in a tub...

9. Impending delivery makes me feel trapped. I feel like I am being forced to do something very unpleasant, the outcome is wonderful, but the process is unpleasant. Like my midwife said, it is like a roller coaster... first you're excited to ride, then you get on and start heading up the massive hill and the closer you get to the top the more you wish you could just turn around... then it peaks... but at the end you are glad you rode... I'm at the peak saying... "where is the emergency exit button?"

10. I keep getting little adrenaline rushes from nerves. You know when you are really nervy and you startle easily? I feel that way constantly, just little adrenaline rushes in my heart. I hate feeling on edge. Being diagnosed with panic disorder does nothing to help my case.

All in all, I just really dislike pregnancy and birth. I don't like how it feels, I don't like feeling trapped. I don't like all the discomfort it brings... I am ready to be done. This next week my goal is to work on fear release and letting go... Wish me luck with that.

-Cass

Pregnancy Journal Week 33- Painful Positivity?

Many of my friends and family do not realize the amount of pain that pregnancy causes for me. I try my best not to complain excessively, because who wants to hear someone whine about hurting all the time? So this will be it, my one main rant, cry, gripe, woe is me... post where I go in detail about how much I really hurt.

First off, I have been seeing the chiropractor for weeks, I know I get SPD (I'll explain in a min) and I was trying my best to keep everything in line BEFORE it got bad, before the pain got unmanageable.

Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction is caused when the body produces too much of the hormone relaxin. Relaxin is what causes the joints in the pelvis to become loose and mobile so a baby can pass through. Most women feel some discomfort in their back and hips due to the pressure of baby and loosened pelvis. I on the other hand, produce extra of this hormone, so much extra that it effects not only my pelvis but my entire body.

Every day is constant pain, I can't sit without pain, I can't lay down without EXTREME pain, My back, knees, hips, shoulders, neck... everything aches, everything is constantly popping and shifting. My chiro can't even believe how hyper-mobile my joints are, I can dislocate joints with minimal pressure ( like I did with Azzie when I fell and dislocated my shoulder). It wasn't even a full fall, I caught myself on the wall and pop... out things go.

Some days are worse than others. Some days it hurts just to try to get out of bed, I wake up all through the night needing to ice or heat or sit on the back massage chair. Those days are awful and full of Tylenol just to make it. Some days when all is "mostly" aligned I am in manageable pain and try to get things done, making sure to rest and be super careful. It just kills me that I have to prep my body just to take my son to preschool then come home and baby my body from the lifting, walking, and driving!

With that said, I think tonight I have reached my breaking point. I cannot bear 7 more weeks of not being able to sleep, at some points barely able to walk, and spending HOURS every. single. day. (and night) icing or sitting on heating pads. The chiro just isn't enough anymore... it's time to seek out physical therapy.

Finances have been tight, we are trying so hard to get out of debt against the mountain of bills that keep racking against us. (Like $3200 out of pocket to give birth by December) So me deciding that $35 a week for a therapist was a very hard decision, but one I pray so hard to God will be worth it.

Trying to keep positive, trying to keep believing the therapist will help and will be able to bind my hips and brace my back so they can feel better.

My main mantra that is seeing me through all of this is, "I will NEVER have to do this again. THANK GOD!"

Pregnancy Journal- 27 weeks 5 days- Anxiety Sucks and Sleepless Nights

What is it with my birthday?!!?!?!?!?!
I have been anxiety free for over 10 FULL months.
All of a sudden, out of no where, I'm dizzy, double vision, heart palpitating every few minutes, and just an overwhelming sense of unease. All my classic symptoms.

I went to the Dr. last year on my birthday for anxiety... now it reared it's ugly head again. Maybe it is a lack of sleep? Dehydration? Hormone fluctuation.... who knows.

I broke down and took one of my anti-anxiety pills and i am currently laying here hoping to feel better when I get up so I can actually enjoy my birthday.

I hate this. I hate feeling like I need to cry, feeling my heart flip-flop and take my breath away, feeling like I can't stand any stimulation, noise, touch....  I know it will pass. I've lived through these spells before and I will make it through this one too. More on the past few weeks in a bit.  I needed to vent, but now I am going to rest.

9/19
No wonder I am so tired all the time. Here I am awake again at 5:30. Struggling to sleep because my back and hips ache so bad. I can only sleep and lay for so long before everything gets too stiff and tender that I have to get up. It doesn't hurt so bad when I am up or lay for a short time. I am so thankful for my mother and letting me borrow her back massage chair. It helps quite a bit. My back is so tender when I first sit on it, then it slowly kneads out the painful knots in my back... The joys I tell you, the joys!

Speaking of our little bundle. I really wish I knew how baby was positioned in there. All my babies always opted for butt up left side, Feet out to the side... This baby seems to have a liking for the right side and I feel a lot of movement there as well as in my cervix, hardly any on my left... I had an awful dream that the baby was coming out funny and it made labor painful and really slow. I am saying now I will do every spinning baby move in the world if that's what it takes to keep that from happening!

I've had more bonding days though, I am beginning to get more excited to meet this baby. To see it's little face. I still want this to come out a positive experience. I don't want my last pregnancy to be all negatives and I pray for Azzie (and possibly this babe) that they have easy and wonderful pregnancies.

I can't believe I am only 3 months away from meeting my last baby. Azzie will be 2 in 2 weeks, Ash is going to be 4.... it's crazy.

OH!!! and before I forget. I got my new Ameda breast pump today. Free through insurance.... It's electric, double pump... Happy to be going out of my milky years with ease and style.. haha.
My massage is almost done. I'm going to aim for going back to sleep. :)

-Cass

Pregnancy- Week 24- Video Games are the Bane of my Existance

Here comes yet another rant, brought to you by none other than your favorite pregnant lady (if you are one of the few people that actually read my posts you know this is the place where I come to dump all my emotional yucky feelings.

I hate video games... HATE them. I hate smart phones, and overuse of technology. I'm talking some severe vehement hate. I don't think I would be so bias if I had a spouse that didn't spend his life attached to a screen, but since I am, I do.

The past few weeks we have been working our asses off. But I have definitely done a majority of the work between his whining. I remodeled the entire guest bathroom, (he put in the light after sighing about it) still waiting on him to put in the faucet. I painted the entire back deck ( a few days worth of work) with the exception of the very front, as it requires ladder use) He took 2 boards out, put 2 new ones in, and cut a piece of rail and screwed it in. I cleaned out all the flower beds and planted the plants, he edged, and if I'm lucky to catch him in a not whiny mood, he will put the mulch down. I lifted and dumped 500 lbs of sand and 150 pounds of pebble, he raked out straw.... see the difference?

Today, with only 3 hours of sleep, I have gotten my son off to his first day of school, repaired the wall paper in the bathroom, and fixed A's door jamb... all before 11am.

I am just so tired of feeling like he comes home and stares at a screen. That's all he ever WANTS to do. ALL THE TIME. It's constant. His new fixation is Brave Frontier. Some stupid game that is a mix between Final Fantasy and Pokemon. Even my brother, who is sorta lame, called him a no-lifer because he is on it so much. He literally carries a phone charger with him, and even went as far as to plug in while outside with the kids... ARE YOU SERIOUS? Our family outing to the lake, he's on his phone. Any free moment he can find, he's sneaking off to the basement to drown himself in a game... When does it stop? I try not to nag, I try to compromise, but FUCK WHEN DOES IT LET UP!?

I have even almost ended our marriage! I shouldn't have to compete with computers and screens, I shouldn't have to beg for a PARTNER... yet here I sit, dumbfounded at what he chooses as priorities. He really just must not give a shit. I honestly think if a burglar came into our house with a baseball bat and threatened to hit me or the computer, he's let him hit me. The only time I have seen him angry and almost violent is if I threatened to unplug the stupid thing.

He thinks he's so calm, so collected and put together, but fails to see that he is a goddamned addict. Just because you work and pay bills doesn't mean you don't have issues... they call that functioning addiction.
When a man won't even bath his poop covered daughter or have sex with his wife... looks at his phone the second he gets up and the last moment before bed versus cuddling. When some form of electronic is always in his face that he can't ever make eye contact and it's almost a treat when he does... yeah, that's addiction alright.

I don't even know what to do about it... They say you can't change people, they have to want to change themselves. I've considered divorce... that might wake him up... but for what? So some other woman can have the man I wanted all along? That idea just makes me pissy. He doesn't seem to care how his gaming is affecting me or the kids... Can't be good for them to always look up and see him looking down... not at them, but at a screen. I just... I don't know. I'm feeling defeated and need a little support in my life.

Pregnancy Journal and Needing to Cry- 21 weeks 6 Days

The past weeks have been mildly interesting ones, the past few days chaotic. I am a vat of emotions right now. Most of them nervous, scared, and sad ones.

Thankfully none of these feelings are because of the baby. Baby is healthy, beautiful, growing great and strong (12 ounces already!). We had an ultrasound on July 23rd. It was neat. Seeing baby in 3D/4D... looks like Ash... makes me think maybe a boy, though I have to admit I am hoping for a girl. Didn't find out the sex though. Still keeping it a surprise. I'm really, really proud of myself about that because I was really tempted when the technician looked and kept giving me goofy looks. Actually upset me a little that she knew. :-/

Not really feeling that pregnant anymore. Even though baby is moving quite a bit. I'm just not feeling that emotional connection? I think I went through this phase with all my pregnancies, so I'm not too worried about it.

Worked lots on our house, took gramma to Pizza Hut for her birthday and brought her flowers. I was also guilt tripped by a cousin for not driving 6 hours round trip for a cook out... oy.

So, onto this week. My mom came for a few days, I enjoyed her company and the extra hands! She's so stressed and going through a lot. I really hope she can pull through it and get to the other side okay. I would go into more detail, but my mom's life really isn't my business to write about. I will just say that I look forward to having my mom be more relaxed and happy.

Then today... today was just a really, no good, terrible, truly BAD day. My friend had to have a heart surgery... didn't work. She will have to go back for them to try again and knock her out. She's got a rough couple days ahead as she recovers. I'm keeping her little one. He's a bit of a handful, but thankfully I seem to be doing better with him than I gave myself credit for... we will see how tomorrow goes.

I got pulled over on my way home... $135 ticket. The road was merging down to one lane, and this lady kept slowing down and speeding up so I could not get over, then she flipped me the bird and kept me trapped. I finally sped up to try to pass her, then she sped up even faster so I slammed my brakes to let her and the 3 cars following her pass, only after A police officer tried to pull us both over, Unfortunately she kept going and I actually pulled over... He felt so bad giving me the ticket... he saw what she did and how she harassed me, but I was speeding and I could have pulled over and waited for all the cars to pass versus speeding up I guess... :(

Then the WORST news I could imagine. My gramma tells me today that the spot on her kidney they were hoping was a cyst is a mass and is very likely cancer... My heart dropped and shattered into a million pieces when she told me that... I could be near her. I didn't want to break down in front of her and break her strength. She is such a brave woman. She goes for a more thorough scan tomorrow. I am praying with all my strength it is clear and the mass is benign. Even though I am fearful, I want to believe with all my heart i still have many years left with the person I love so much. She has been such a major part of my life for so long, I feel like my world would be so empty without her. I would long to hear her voice, and her tough love... I'm not ready to even begin to think what life could even be like without her in it, so I have to believe that it will be okay.

My emotions are just so jumbled.
I came home and just needed to do something to numb my mind for a bit. Too much emotion going on! So Scott and I sat outside, he kept an eye on kids and I worked at painting the porch, anything to keep my mind off this day.

Not too mention, school starts in less than 2 weeks, (3 weeks for Ash) We have a million appointments to go to in the next month, Bills suck, spending a ton on school supplies sucks, being stressed about having to run all over God's green earth for everything SUCKS.... my mood is just too crappy right now to say life is grand. Then again that is what I use this blog for; My venting space where I can come deposit the emotions I don't want to hold on to, take a deep breath, and think happier thoughts.

-Cass

So I've had a bad day and its only 2 in the afternoon...

Today... let's talk about today. First I call Wells Fargo, I opened a new line of credit with our bed. Received my first bill on July 13th due July 7th...and a second bill 4 days later telling me I owed them double the bill + a late fee... Had to go through loops to get that taken care of.
I made a roman shade from some mini blinds.. worked out pretty good, so that was a small success, just wish I had some thicker fabric on hand.
Then, we get ready to go into town. I had to pay my car payment, we were going to stop and get lunch and Asher had an appointment at 1:40 to check on the penny in his belly that he swallowed. Oy.
Pay my car payment, all the kids were doing were fighting and fighting... very distracting. I almost missed a stop sign and slammed on my breaks... we had 8 and 6 foot pieces of wood in the car we bought for making a head board... those pieces flew up front, cutting my arm, scraping the dash and hit the windshield. Thankfully it did not crack but OW!!!
We go to Wendy's and get some lunch, they got rid of the sandwich I liked, the chicken dill one that was cheaper... damn them. A normal chicken sandwich with pickles just isn't the same.
Get to the pediatricians, I forgot Asher's medical screening paper that needs filled out and Aiden says he forgot to put on shoes... Because telling him "Get your shoes on and get in the car." Was just too complicated of a request I guess.
I went in really quick and asked Kerra if I could reschedule. Thankfully they have a spot open tomorrow afternoon.
Come home, unload all that damn wood from the car before someone really gets hurt with it.

Let see, Scott came home, I left for midwives. Not sure I like the drive to Amy's new place, it feels a lot longer of a drive. It's really not but it feel like it. Jill missed half the appointment which was fine, Amy and I just chatted a bit. Baby's heart sounded good and they said I measured spot on, Though I felt Jill was a bit above my pelvic bone... I don't know. I'm just excited to see the baby this Thursday when we go for our ultrasound... still trying to make the decision on whether or not we want to know the sex!

-Cass

The filth that is my home...

Nobody reads my blog right? Seems that this has become the place I go to write down all my thoughts and feelings I really want to get out but don't feel like hearing the criticism or opinions over.

Scott and I have decided to list our home for sale. It was a hard choice for me to just say yes. I made the agreement that as long as we walk away with some cash in our pockets, I'll be okay. I don't want to come out even... then I feel like I put in a ton of work for someone else again, I want to walk away even, plus some cash for us to get started again. My goal is 5k or more in the positive.

That means that we need to get our butts in gear and get this house cleaned up. The closets are cluttered, our shelves are full, our basement practically has another house worth of furniture...Just TOO MUCH STUFF!

We have too much.

The point of this is to downsize right? looks like hubby and I need to get on the ball, go through our things and have a major purge/yard sale. No more maybe we will need this... just do it. Be done. Maybe we should just find out the sex of the baby so we can purge all the opposite sex baby clothes. Toys, clothes, furniture... it all needs to just hit the road.
I am so tired of so much stuff, It makes everything feel so messy, constantly.

Speaking of messes. My house is one giant one. These kids seek to destroy everything they touch. In order to have things nice we would have to purge all things smaller than a soccer ball, paper, all writing utensils, books, and toys. Cabinets would need to be locked, plastic on everything and barriers for the walls... then possibly, it might be feasible to keep this place clean.

It doesn't cease to amaze me how they just "find" things and the places where they "hide" things. Today cleaning up Aiden's room I found an moldy apple core in his drawer, how awesome is that? Azzie found a small piece of crayon some place and drew on the walls... I went to take the crayon but she ate it. Asher is like a hound dog when it comes to money. He can find it anywhere.... and I am constantly finding it hidden in toys, pants, books, etc...

Scott and I work ourselves to the bone and our kids' main goal seems to be to destroy everything nice we own. Like last night when Scott and I were cutting up chickens, Azzie had major runs that leaked our the sides and up the back of her diapers... she proceeded to crawl all over the couch, smearing shit everywhere. Aiden took the plastic off of his brand new bed because it got wrinkled. Instead of asking me to fix it, he proceeded to pee the bed 3 nights in a row and soak his new mattress in urine.. How awesome are kids?!

I am so stressed. Scott seems nervous now to have a vasectomy. I used to be... but this is hard. Day in and day out chaos and mess is breaking me down. I love the kids we have. I don't want any more. I'm perfectly okay with us no longer being fertile.

I'm perfectly okay with not having little kids anymore...
I'm perfectly okay with the idea that being done with this may make me feel old.
And to hell with anyone who tells me I should be cherishing or be more grateful.
I'm entitled to my feelings so F*%& off.

We have so much to do, finish the deck, paint, counters and kitchen backsplash, Kids bath, and gates... all to get our positive to walk away...

So we can start this chaos in some place new... some place that is cheap enough that it won't hurt so bad if the kids mess it up... Get our financial security... and then maybe, just maybe someday we can have our dream home.

-Cass

Pregnancy Journal Week 18- Chiropractors are saints.

This past week has been awful! My back has been killing me right between my shoulder blades, my mid back muscle on the right, and my sternum is hurting again... though I did have about 2 pain free weeks till I injured it again... Anywho, I have been in misery. No matter which way I lay, somewhere in my back is pinched and hurting.

My chiropractor was away on vacation the entire past week, so you can bet, first thing the office opened today I called to get in. He cracked my back right between my shoulders and it felt like 5 vertebrae, my shoulders and everything popped all in one crack. You know that feeling when you hit your funny bone, it hurts, but makes you laugh and actually sort of feels good.... that's how this was. As soon as he cracked it, I went, "Dear God." and then laughed through pain for about 2 minutes straight. It felt so good but hurt so bad at the same time. I iced it when I got home and am sitting on the heating pad now to baby it some...

Lets see, baby is still moving more and more everyday and my uterus keeps getting taller. I go for an ultrasound next Thursday... excited to see our sweet babe.

We took the chickens in this evening to be butchered. We have a local amish family do it for us... Some of those chickens were crazy fat and heavy... it will be so nice to have 25 chickens worth of meat to line our freezer and to finally get rid of their portable shelter and let all the chicken poo wash away.

Other than that, nothing is really new. Been tired a lot, but today I actually had a little energy, which is surprising as I barely slept last night. Scott had a nice birthday, I feel like an ass for not giving him a card, but I did get him an ice cream cake... so that was something.
Off to bed for me now.

-Cass