Forgiveness

 Sometimes I feel like I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel like all of the past pain that I used to forgive just doesn’t feel forgivable anymore and every day I just feel hurt and angry inside. 

I’m angry that I spent so many parts of my life, abused and neglected it hurts that I can’t always speak what’s on my heart, especially to those who I love. I stopped having friends because it all feels like too much.  I struggle because their parts of me that feels so happy to be restarting and to see all the wonderful things happening in my life while still grieving all of the people that I’ve loved that aren’t here with me. Its strange yo always be surrounded yet always feel so isolated

Thoughts…

I ’m horrible at responding.

I am that friend that doesn’t check for new messages or starts a conversation, gets distracted and forgets to come back…

I also get SO lonely because I isolate myself. A LOT. I used to believe that I was an extrovert because I was really good at being in social situations and talking in crowds or public speaking. But what I found is, I’m really good at those things when I HAVE to do them. 

However, I find the art of maintaining relationships to be very difficult unless the other person is initiating or constantly within my space . I realize the only kind of friends that I typically can have are needy ones. People who need to call me or specifically ask things of me. I’ve tried to push myself to be the person to make contact, but I’m horrible at follow through. I realized over the past few years how much I’ve given in friendships and how much some friendships have broken my heart. Sometimes friends don’t feel worth it, so it’s not something I pursue. I drown myself in work instead. Maintaining a large household solo has been a lot of work. 

Thanks for listening. I know that you guys are my friends and people who care for me…. But also, I know that you guys know what I mean because how much do you know about me really?  they say the path the healing is sharing your story, i’ve only ever found vulnerability leaves you open to judgment. So here it is. 

Also, if I could add a tiny rand on how much I hate that everything I read is written by AI . 

There’s no variation, no soul, I can see that it’s ChatGPT. Ugh. 

Jail

 Please pray for me. 

I am beyond distressed. 

I’m so sick every day. My heart feels fluttery, my stomach sick, I hate the way I feel. Anxiety is at an all time peak and I feel powerless. Left to sit and wait for what comes, forced to endure and be okay with outcomes no matter how hard. No matter who it affects. I suffer silent and alone. I don’t put my life out there for others to see. I’ve worked so hard and for what? What has it been for? Please God I beg you. Please be with me in this. 🙏 

To those that don’t know. When Scott and I divorced I took NOTHING  from our marriage. No alimony, retirements, NOTHING. 

I asked for our house and for patience while I refinance and help the first year. Scott gave me 1yr to refinance the house in solely my name after our divorce. Me, being a newly divorced, newly employed person couldn’t qualify… Need more financial history to meet requirements, they say. I couldn’t refinance. 

2nd year comes we go to court, Scott asks to disown Aiden, asks to be residential parent of the 3 little kids, asks judge to make me sell. I ask for more time and remind the court Scott has been Aiden’s SOLE father his entire life. 

The judge ruled with Aiden (so he’s back in their picture after nearly 2 years of exclusion. I’m still residential parent… still working on my refinance. I have the income, have the equity. It’s literally only financial history holding me back being able to PROVE what I earn when I can only file taxes once a year and am a business owner… 

Because I still could not refinance the court, found me in contempt of court and sentenced me to 30 days in jail. I have until February 1 to try to finish refinancing or have my home sold or I go to jail.

Lenders are still hee hawing around and I’m still waiting for answers as the clock ticks away towards me sitting in a cage for 30 days. 

Scott will deny it up and down, but his goal is to see me fail. He asked me to “just admit I can’t do it already”

To see our kids have to leave this place to be made to go with him because I can’t keep a stable house. 🙄

It has been his desire to hurt me and break apart this family,

It kills him to see us live in this home, 

He would see the mother of his children go to jail.

 His children have to leave their schools and Aiden struggle to try to find a way to and from school. 

He would see me and my business fail. 

All while him and his wife are taking multiple overseas vacations in their paid house, with their paid for cars. I 100% pay the mortgage and they are not affected. They just choose to ignore the option of just being kind and helpful. 

And all I can think of where is where is the justice in any of this? I don’t deserve this awfulness! 

I have worked so hard. 

Please pray for God to be with me. 

When Accidents Happen

I can always tell when I have a lot on my mind. My house is spotless, I watered my flower beds, washed the siding and deck of the front porch, cleaned out the garage, washed trim work and walls, mopped floors, its almost 10pm and I still feel manic. Its so stressful to want to be more helpful or feel more "there" for others when you really cant help anything and responsibilities like paying bills and tending to a home, children, and pets keep me here. I want to drop everything and take a few days but my logical brain swirls in a place of ambivalence and wont allow me to put myself in an irresponsible place for the sake of someone else. I cant sacrifice my wellbeing and my stability. Ive come too far and worked too hard to let someone else's setbacks become my setbacks. I have to refrain from wanting to rescue people from their own path of growth and learning when it gets painful. I dont like seeing people I love hurt. But where does the boundary of love for others end and the love for self start? 

Im making space and it feels surreal i dont know what its for. Future Cassie, when you read this reflect on how you feel, this discomfort of transition. What's coming and did you let it?

5/1/24- I dont think so, I think I did, but then I didnt. I ended it and I was big sad. I dated some, I think I was still too focused on I need someone to comeplete me, to help me, be there for me. Nate helps with cleaning, he maintains laundry "ok" and dishes. He listens more, he tries. It also feels like he thinks therapy is a new manipulation tactic. Sometimes he's actually calling me out though and that's good, but when he's not it feels like it dismantles the good we are trying to work for.  I would say still kinda in the cycle. I had my worst sad day ever the other day. went to him. he listed off "all hes given and does" he stood up for me. There was a time when that was all I wanted. Im glad hes in my court but its really hard. I care for everything work harder than ever and I carried his setbacks on my back too. 

Introspection

As a stay-at-home, work-from-home mom of 4 children, when I say that I need a break, I'm not talking about wanting a reward for doing my job or that I'm seeking a respite from my responsibilities.

It simply means Im requesting a moment to feel like a human being in the midst of a relentless life where I don't belong to myself anymore; where I give my love and energy away, every moment of my existence, and I struggle to keep any for myself.

4 years ago, I broke. I didnt have breaks, I didnt recognize myself outside of dirty spit up and breast milk covered shirts, I felt lonely, isolated, anxious. I wanted to find "me" again but I spent so many years pregnant and nursing and in a hurricane of hormonal chaos, I didnt know who that was anymore. 

You know whats the worst part... is to be convinced in your own mind you're missing yourself, when all along you were always you. 

I had this preconceived idea of expectations of what it meant to be a mom, to be beautiful, to be someone who could give and receive love. It was always there. The only thing keeping me from me being me, was me not loving myself and letting myself care too much what others thought... 

Call it a learning curve, call it growing up... 

"Dont it always seem to go... you dont know what you got till it's gone, they paved paradise and put up a parking lot"

Braces, Wisdom teeth, and the pursuit of a beautiful smile.

So I did it... July 29th I finally did it. I got braces. I had yet to have any tooth extractions, I only got the top ones in and my rings put around the bottom molars after wearing painful spacers for 2 weeks but I finally had them on. I could finally say, "yes, I am actually going through with this."
Braces were an adjustment, my teeth were a bit sore, dental wax was my friend but they really were not as bad as I was expecting, more just annoying until I adjusted to them. Now I barely notice them...

Those who know me, know what has really been holding me back is wisdom tooth removal and extractions. I am a VERY anxious person. I do not like anything that I have to give up the control of my body. The idea of anesthesia or sedation terrifies me. I don't like to take anything that makes me dizzy or feel loopy, anything that could cause strange side effects. Getting me to take tylenol or heck even vitamins can be a challenge.

Last year I thought I could do it. I went in for surgery and the second the anesthetic started to kick in my body hit me with more adrenaline than I have ever felt, I shot up to the surprise of the doctor and nurses heart racing, uncontrollably wailing and screaming no, no, NO. In one of the worst panic attacks I have ever felt. He had given me enough anesthetic, I should have been sleeping.

SO fast forward a year and a half and after the birth of my fourth baby. I want braces and I want them bad. Being put to sleep doesn't work for me. So I found a Dr. that was willing to do my removals my way. Since I had to have 8 teeth removed ( wisdom teeth + 4 premolars) He agreed to allow me to stay awake and to do 2 at a time. Amazing and compassionate man he is.

The top 2 were a breeze, NO PAIN... I barely felt sore, then again they were just simple extractions as that wisdom tooth had fully emerged. The downside was that I had taken clyndamycin as a preventative antibiotic and got Cdiff from it. The horror that was. I was so sick and fatigued and pooing out pus and blood. I was able to fight it off though and have worked hard the past couple weeks to heal my gut and have been taking the recommended probiotics like a champ.

This past Friday was round 2. The removal of my hardest and most impacted, full bony, wisdom tooth... Dear God, lord in heaven the pain. for 5 days now I have been in agony. It just throbs and aches and tylenol and ibuprofen barely touched it. I sat upright through the night holding my face, desperate to sleep. Night time was the absolute WORST. for some reason the pain would be 3 times worse at night. Me being the pharmaphobic person that I am was too scared to take anything stronger. Yeah, life with severe medical anxiety sucks. I called this morning and got in since it was labor day weekend I had no reassurance... they got me right in, I was healing well and all looked well but some food was stuck in my stitches and I had developed a nasty sore along my cheek. he took out the suture, flushed the wound and I have felt much better. Though, I am still pretty sore.

This makes me so scared to even finish. the other bottom tooth is not even emerged, my top is a little emerged.... I just this pain was worse then the c-section and unmedicated home birth of all 4 of my children combined! These past few weeks have been so rough on me emotionally. to be so sick, to feel so crappy every day. It really gives me perspective for those that live with chronic pain. The empathy I feel is beyond words and "I'm sorry you have to experience that" doesn't even touch it.

I keep reminding myself, this isn't chronic, I will get better, in 2 years when I have straight teeth I will say it was so worth it, the same I look at my beautiful children and think how my terrible pregnancies and childbirth was so worth seeing their beautiful lives. I just need to keep thinking positive.

For now I will continue to baby my mouth and body ( as a little sinus cold is trying to sneak it's way in) and I will keep praying to God that my body will heal well and work with me in these next few weeks while I work through my medical fears and do the thing I thought I would never be brave enough to do. Pursue a beautiful smile.

Postpartum Journal Week 4

This week started out with good intentions. I went to pick up my mother so we could have a week of exercising, good food.

My heart is hurting. I am so tired and my heart is hurting. That feeling like your throat is closing and your chest feels tight. I see a once beautiful, vibrant, woman fade into a weak shell, gasping for life. I kissed her head. I kissed her again with a nanny kiss. I will never have a kiss from my nanny again. I will never hear her call me sugar or baby doll. Days of pot roast and fresh bread, picking up sticks from her yard.... days of coloring books coming down from the top of the closet... days that have long passed. I only visited a handful of times at her other places, the assisted living apartment, the apartment in Lexington... the apartment in Galion, heck even at the nursing home. Life was always so busy right? Yet this past week. The past 4 days.... I sat there, bedside watching her fade from the world. It really hurts. It hurts bad. I am so exhausted. physically, emotionally. so tired.

RIP Nanny

1/15/2016