Introspection

As a stay-at-home, work-from-home mom of 4 children, when I say that I need a break, I'm not talking about wanting a reward for doing my job or that I'm seeking a respite from my responsibilities.

It simply means Im requesting a moment to feel like a human being in the midst of a relentless life where I don't belong to myself anymore; where I give my love and energy away, every moment of my existence, and I struggle to keep any for myself.

4 years ago, I broke. I didnt have breaks, I didnt recognize myself outside of dirty spit up and breast milk covered shirts, I felt lonely, isolated, anxious. I wanted to find "me" again but I spent so many years pregnant and nursing and in a hurricane of hormonal chaos, I didnt know who that was anymore. 

You know whats the worst part... is to be convinced in your own mind you're missing yourself, when all along you were always you. 

I had this preconceived idea of expectations of what it meant to be a mom, to be beautiful, to be someone who could give and receive love. It was always there. The only thing keeping me from me being me, was me not loving myself and letting myself care too much what others thought... 

Call it a learning curve, call it growing up... 

"Dont it always seem to go... you dont know what you got till it's gone, they paved paradise and put up a parking lot"