I can always tell when I have a lot on my mind. My house is spotless, I watered my flower beds, washed the siding and deck of the front porch, cleaned out the garage, washed trim work and walls, mopped floors, its almost 10pm and I still feel manic. Its so stressful to want to be more helpful or feel more "there" for others when you really cant help anything and responsibilities like paying bills and tending to a home, children, and pets keep me here. I want to drop everything and take a few days but my logical brain swirls in a place of ambivalence and wont allow me to put myself in an irresponsible place for the sake of someone else. I cant sacrifice my wellbeing and my stability. Ive come too far and worked too hard to let someone else's setbacks become my setbacks. I have to refrain from wanting to rescue people from their own path of growth and learning when it gets painful. I dont like seeing people I love hurt. But where does the boundary of love for others end and the love for self start?
Im making space and it feels surreal i dont know what its for. Future Cassie, when you read this reflect on how you feel, this discomfort of transition. What's coming and did you let it?
5/1/24- I dont think so, I think I did, but then I didnt. I ended it and I was big sad. I dated some, I think I was still too focused on I need someone to comeplete me, to help me, be there for me. Nate helps with cleaning, he maintains laundry "ok" and dishes. He listens more, he tries. It also feels like he thinks therapy is a new manipulation tactic. Sometimes he's actually calling me out though and that's good, but when he's not it feels like it dismantles the good we are trying to work for. I would say still kinda in the cycle. I had my worst sad day ever the other day. went to him. he listed off "all hes given and does" he stood up for me. There was a time when that was all I wanted. Im glad hes in my court but its really hard. I care for everything work harder than ever and I carried his setbacks on my back too.
