Jail

 Please pray for me. 

I am beyond distressed. 

I’m so sick every day. My heart feels fluttery, my stomach sick, I hate the way I feel. Anxiety is at an all time peak and I feel powerless. Left to sit and wait for what comes, forced to endure and be okay with outcomes no matter how hard. No matter who it affects. I suffer silent and alone. I don’t put my life out there for others to see. I’ve worked so hard and for what? What has it been for? Please God I beg you. Please be with me in this. 🙏 

To those that don’t know. When Scott and I divorced I took NOTHING  from our marriage. No alimony, retirements, NOTHING. 

I asked for our house and for patience while I refinance and help the first year. Scott gave me 1yr to refinance the house in solely my name after our divorce. Me, being a newly divorced, newly employed person couldn’t qualify… Need more financial history to meet requirements, they say. I couldn’t refinance. 

2nd year comes we go to court, Scott asks to disown Aiden, asks to be residential parent of the 3 little kids, asks judge to make me sell. I ask for more time and remind the court Scott has been Aiden’s SOLE father his entire life. 

The judge ruled with Aiden (so he’s back in their picture after nearly 2 years of exclusion. I’m still residential parent… still working on my refinance. I have the income, have the equity. It’s literally only financial history holding me back being able to PROVE what I earn when I can only file taxes once a year and am a business owner… 

Because I still could not refinance the court, found me in contempt of court and sentenced me to 30 days in jail. I have until February 1 to try to finish refinancing or have my home sold or I go to jail.

Lenders are still hee hawing around and I’m still waiting for answers as the clock ticks away towards me sitting in a cage for 30 days. 

Scott will deny it up and down, but his goal is to see me fail. He asked me to “just admit I can’t do it already”

To see our kids have to leave this place to be made to go with him because I can’t keep a stable house. 🙄

It has been his desire to hurt me and break apart this family,

It kills him to see us live in this home, 

He would see the mother of his children go to jail.

 His children have to leave their schools and Aiden struggle to try to find a way to and from school. 

He would see me and my business fail. 

All while him and his wife are taking multiple overseas vacations in their paid house, with their paid for cars. I 100% pay the mortgage and they are not affected. They just choose to ignore the option of just being kind and helpful. 

And all I can think of where is where is the justice in any of this? I don’t deserve this awfulness! 

I have worked so hard. 

Please pray for God to be with me. 

When Accidents Happen

I can always tell when I have a lot on my mind. My house is spotless, I watered my flower beds, washed the siding and deck of the front porch, cleaned out the garage, washed trim work and walls, mopped floors, its almost 10pm and I still feel manic. Its so stressful to want to be more helpful or feel more "there" for others when you really cant help anything and responsibilities like paying bills and tending to a home, children, and pets keep me here. I want to drop everything and take a few days but my logical brain swirls in a place of ambivalence and wont allow me to put myself in an irresponsible place for the sake of someone else. I cant sacrifice my wellbeing and my stability. Ive come too far and worked too hard to let someone else's setbacks become my setbacks. I have to refrain from wanting to rescue people from their own path of growth and learning when it gets painful. I dont like seeing people I love hurt. But where does the boundary of love for others end and the love for self start? 

Im making space and it feels surreal i dont know what its for. Future Cassie, when you read this reflect on how you feel, this discomfort of transition. What's coming and did you let it?

5/1/24- I dont think so, I think I did, but then I didnt. I ended it and I was big sad. I dated some, I think I was still too focused on I need someone to comeplete me, to help me, be there for me. Nate helps with cleaning, he maintains laundry "ok" and dishes. He listens more, he tries. It also feels like he thinks therapy is a new manipulation tactic. Sometimes he's actually calling me out though and that's good, but when he's not it feels like it dismantles the good we are trying to work for.  I would say still kinda in the cycle. I had my worst sad day ever the other day. went to him. he listed off "all hes given and does" he stood up for me. There was a time when that was all I wanted. Im glad hes in my court but its really hard. I care for everything work harder than ever and I carried his setbacks on my back too. 

Introspection

As a stay-at-home, work-from-home mom of 4 children, when I say that I need a break, I'm not talking about wanting a reward for doing my job or that I'm seeking a respite from my responsibilities.

It simply means Im requesting a moment to feel like a human being in the midst of a relentless life where I don't belong to myself anymore; where I give my love and energy away, every moment of my existence, and I struggle to keep any for myself.

4 years ago, I broke. I didnt have breaks, I didnt recognize myself outside of dirty spit up and breast milk covered shirts, I felt lonely, isolated, anxious. I wanted to find "me" again but I spent so many years pregnant and nursing and in a hurricane of hormonal chaos, I didnt know who that was anymore. 

You know whats the worst part... is to be convinced in your own mind you're missing yourself, when all along you were always you. 

I had this preconceived idea of expectations of what it meant to be a mom, to be beautiful, to be someone who could give and receive love. It was always there. The only thing keeping me from me being me, was me not loving myself and letting myself care too much what others thought... 

Call it a learning curve, call it growing up... 

"Dont it always seem to go... you dont know what you got till it's gone, they paved paradise and put up a parking lot"

Braces, Wisdom teeth, and the pursuit of a beautiful smile.

So I did it... July 29th I finally did it. I got braces. I had yet to have any tooth extractions, I only got the top ones in and my rings put around the bottom molars after wearing painful spacers for 2 weeks but I finally had them on. I could finally say, "yes, I am actually going through with this."
Braces were an adjustment, my teeth were a bit sore, dental wax was my friend but they really were not as bad as I was expecting, more just annoying until I adjusted to them. Now I barely notice them...

Those who know me, know what has really been holding me back is wisdom tooth removal and extractions. I am a VERY anxious person. I do not like anything that I have to give up the control of my body. The idea of anesthesia or sedation terrifies me. I don't like to take anything that makes me dizzy or feel loopy, anything that could cause strange side effects. Getting me to take tylenol or heck even vitamins can be a challenge.

Last year I thought I could do it. I went in for surgery and the second the anesthetic started to kick in my body hit me with more adrenaline than I have ever felt, I shot up to the surprise of the doctor and nurses heart racing, uncontrollably wailing and screaming no, no, NO. In one of the worst panic attacks I have ever felt. He had given me enough anesthetic, I should have been sleeping.

SO fast forward a year and a half and after the birth of my fourth baby. I want braces and I want them bad. Being put to sleep doesn't work for me. So I found a Dr. that was willing to do my removals my way. Since I had to have 8 teeth removed ( wisdom teeth + 4 premolars) He agreed to allow me to stay awake and to do 2 at a time. Amazing and compassionate man he is.

The top 2 were a breeze, NO PAIN... I barely felt sore, then again they were just simple extractions as that wisdom tooth had fully emerged. The downside was that I had taken clyndamycin as a preventative antibiotic and got Cdiff from it. The horror that was. I was so sick and fatigued and pooing out pus and blood. I was able to fight it off though and have worked hard the past couple weeks to heal my gut and have been taking the recommended probiotics like a champ.

This past Friday was round 2. The removal of my hardest and most impacted, full bony, wisdom tooth... Dear God, lord in heaven the pain. for 5 days now I have been in agony. It just throbs and aches and tylenol and ibuprofen barely touched it. I sat upright through the night holding my face, desperate to sleep. Night time was the absolute WORST. for some reason the pain would be 3 times worse at night. Me being the pharmaphobic person that I am was too scared to take anything stronger. Yeah, life with severe medical anxiety sucks. I called this morning and got in since it was labor day weekend I had no reassurance... they got me right in, I was healing well and all looked well but some food was stuck in my stitches and I had developed a nasty sore along my cheek. he took out the suture, flushed the wound and I have felt much better. Though, I am still pretty sore.

This makes me so scared to even finish. the other bottom tooth is not even emerged, my top is a little emerged.... I just this pain was worse then the c-section and unmedicated home birth of all 4 of my children combined! These past few weeks have been so rough on me emotionally. to be so sick, to feel so crappy every day. It really gives me perspective for those that live with chronic pain. The empathy I feel is beyond words and "I'm sorry you have to experience that" doesn't even touch it.

I keep reminding myself, this isn't chronic, I will get better, in 2 years when I have straight teeth I will say it was so worth it, the same I look at my beautiful children and think how my terrible pregnancies and childbirth was so worth seeing their beautiful lives. I just need to keep thinking positive.

For now I will continue to baby my mouth and body ( as a little sinus cold is trying to sneak it's way in) and I will keep praying to God that my body will heal well and work with me in these next few weeks while I work through my medical fears and do the thing I thought I would never be brave enough to do. Pursue a beautiful smile.

Postpartum Journal Week 4

This week started out with good intentions. I went to pick up my mother so we could have a week of exercising, good food.

My heart is hurting. I am so tired and my heart is hurting. That feeling like your throat is closing and your chest feels tight. I see a once beautiful, vibrant, woman fade into a weak shell, gasping for life. I kissed her head. I kissed her again with a nanny kiss. I will never have a kiss from my nanny again. I will never hear her call me sugar or baby doll. Days of pot roast and fresh bread, picking up sticks from her yard.... days of coloring books coming down from the top of the closet... days that have long passed. I only visited a handful of times at her other places, the assisted living apartment, the apartment in Lexington... the apartment in Galion, heck even at the nursing home. Life was always so busy right? Yet this past week. The past 4 days.... I sat there, bedside watching her fade from the world. It really hurts. It hurts bad. I am so exhausted. physically, emotionally. so tired.

RIP Nanny

1/15/2016

Feelings, feelings go away...

Depression, stop trying to rear your ugly head into my life. Stop making me feel so lonely.

I think I am trying too hard... what does it take to make friends and have people truly love and care for you? I give my money, my support, my love... yet who am I to anyone? Of course, I am not stupid, I am aware that my presence makes an impact, mostly to my family. I am aware I am a necessity in my children's lives. A recent death has shown me that... yet that feeling of being unloved rears it's head. That thought that I am not invited to things, that no one thinks of me, or calls me to share good news or bad.

I've come to accept that I will never be a bridesmaid and I will always be that person people go to last. It just sucks to so badly want to be with people to have friends to care for and people to care for me. I feel like I have spent the past decade of my life in isolation. I have had fair weather friends here and there and the friends that I truly love were always so far and unable to be around. I crave companionship. I have trouble understanding how my husband can stand to be alone. To have no close friends outside of me. We have been each other's main friend... it makes me nervous for our move wondering if I will be able to handle having him for one less hour everyday when I already feel so isolated. Yet this move is supposed to be the solution to my isolation.

 At our last get together we had almost 30 people at our house and it made me so sad to look at them and say... you know, I don't really know you. I can't say I have been to your house, know if you have siblings, I can't say that I know your favorite things, where you work or for some, that I even know their last name. Is that really a friend? When we don't talk outside of a large get together. It's not that I don't appreciate the company but I need more than just acquaintances in my life. I've been alone for so long... is this what I have to expect with adulthood? I'm not even 30 yet. Then again, maybe all these feelings are hormones. Then again maybe all my friends will come out of the wood work and tell me to shut the hell up and that they love me. Maybe this is just post partum depression back to battle me in a different form. I'm trying to cling to the light and not go down this road.

Surviving Postpartum- Week 3

This week actually wasn't too terrible! There were good points and bad points, Points of frustration and tiredness and points of feeling relaxed and content.

Bleeding is pretty much done, just some brown here and there, that's with resuming some house work, cooking and walking. I even went to Kroger and got a huge cart of groceries. It tired me out seeing as it was the busiest I had ever seen it and I had to wait 35 minutes to check out, (it was NYE) BUT I paid a girl $5 to push my cart and load my car for me, so not too bad.

I have had a couple "touched out" spells where I just wanted to put Andew down for a bit and I feel bad because my other 2 little ones have really been lacking on mommy attention and I can tell they are needing some extra love. A little hard at points, especially while nursing.

We have also noticed the past few days Andrew has been VERY fussy... I had forgotten all about witching hours. You know, that point in the day where for 2-4 hours your baby is a fussy, all I want to do is nurse, mess.... yeah. Hard to do much of anything when he is clinging and wanting to nurse like crazy. *sigh*

However, today I did go out and get my hair trimmed, bought myself a capsule wardrobe so I can wear something other than old, been through 3 pregnancies, maternity clothes. I am ready to feel like an individually functioning being again... although I plan to nurse Andrew a full year, exercise, getting out, and doing things that help me feel good about myself are all on my plan to avoid PPD.

Other things accomplished this week, I made a menu for the month to cut down on eating out, and Scott and I got some goals planned for paying off debt, including taking pictures and selling most the crap in our yard sale pile. I also re-opened HBC and got some trees made. The most interesting project though was tie-dying my moby wrap! I love the way the colors came out.

I would say the only real "con" this past week has been my digestion. I have really been having a tough time going to the bathroom. I assume it is because baby is taking up all my liquids and the (let's face it) lovely hemorrhoids from pushing him out have made it hard. I actually went 6 days without going to the bathroom and hurting... yeah... had my first ever enema, that was an interesting experience I hope to never go through again. While things are still slow and rocky (pun intended) Taking calcium mag, upping water intake, eating fiber bars, and 6oz of daily prune juice seem to have started to help.

Here's to hoping week 4 will be better in the digestion department and that Andrew will calm his fussy butt some!