What is it with my birthday?!!?!?!?!?!
I have been anxiety free for over 10 FULL months.
All of a sudden, out of no where, I'm dizzy, double vision, heart palpitating every few minutes, and just an overwhelming sense of unease. All my classic symptoms.
I went to the Dr. last year on my birthday for anxiety... now it reared it's ugly head again. Maybe it is a lack of sleep? Dehydration? Hormone fluctuation.... who knows.
I broke down and took one of my anti-anxiety pills and i am currently laying here hoping to feel better when I get up so I can actually enjoy my birthday.
I hate this. I hate feeling like I need to cry, feeling my heart flip-flop and take my breath away, feeling like I can't stand any stimulation, noise, touch.... I know it will pass. I've lived through these spells before and I will make it through this one too. More on the past few weeks in a bit. I needed to vent, but now I am going to rest.
9/19
No wonder I am so tired all the time. Here I am awake again at 5:30. Struggling to sleep because my back and hips ache so bad. I can only sleep and lay for so long before everything gets too stiff and tender that I have to get up. It doesn't hurt so bad when I am up or lay for a short time. I am so thankful for my mother and letting me borrow her back massage chair. It helps quite a bit. My back is so tender when I first sit on it, then it slowly kneads out the painful knots in my back... The joys I tell you, the joys!
Speaking of our little bundle. I really wish I knew how baby was positioned in there. All my babies always opted for butt up left side, Feet out to the side... This baby seems to have a liking for the right side and I feel a lot of movement there as well as in my cervix, hardly any on my left... I had an awful dream that the baby was coming out funny and it made labor painful and really slow. I am saying now I will do every spinning baby move in the world if that's what it takes to keep that from happening!
I've had more bonding days though, I am beginning to get more excited to meet this baby. To see it's little face. I still want this to come out a positive experience. I don't want my last pregnancy to be all negatives and I pray for Azzie (and possibly this babe) that they have easy and wonderful pregnancies.
I can't believe I am only 3 months away from meeting my last baby. Azzie will be 2 in 2 weeks, Ash is going to be 4.... it's crazy.
OH!!! and before I forget. I got my new Ameda breast pump today. Free through insurance.... It's electric, double pump... Happy to be going out of my milky years with ease and style.. haha.
My massage is almost done. I'm going to aim for going back to sleep. :)
-Cass
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Pregnancy- Week 24- Video Games are the Bane of my Existance
Here comes yet another rant, brought to you by none other than your favorite pregnant lady (if you are one of the few people that actually read my posts you know this is the place where I come to dump all my emotional yucky feelings.
I hate video games... HATE them. I hate smart phones, and overuse of technology. I'm talking some severe vehement hate. I don't think I would be so bias if I had a spouse that didn't spend his life attached to a screen, but since I am, I do.
The past few weeks we have been working our asses off. But I have definitely done a majority of the work between his whining. I remodeled the entire guest bathroom, (he put in the light after sighing about it) still waiting on him to put in the faucet. I painted the entire back deck ( a few days worth of work) with the exception of the very front, as it requires ladder use) He took 2 boards out, put 2 new ones in, and cut a piece of rail and screwed it in. I cleaned out all the flower beds and planted the plants, he edged, and if I'm lucky to catch him in a not whiny mood, he will put the mulch down. I lifted and dumped 500 lbs of sand and 150 pounds of pebble, he raked out straw.... see the difference?
Today, with only 3 hours of sleep, I have gotten my son off to his first day of school, repaired the wall paper in the bathroom, and fixed A's door jamb... all before 11am.
I am just so tired of feeling like he comes home and stares at a screen. That's all he ever WANTS to do. ALL THE TIME. It's constant. His new fixation is Brave Frontier. Some stupid game that is a mix between Final Fantasy and Pokemon. Even my brother, who is sorta lame, called him a no-lifer because he is on it so much. He literally carries a phone charger with him, and even went as far as to plug in while outside with the kids... ARE YOU SERIOUS? Our family outing to the lake, he's on his phone. Any free moment he can find, he's sneaking off to the basement to drown himself in a game... When does it stop? I try not to nag, I try to compromise, but FUCK WHEN DOES IT LET UP!?
I have even almost ended our marriage! I shouldn't have to compete with computers and screens, I shouldn't have to beg for a PARTNER... yet here I sit, dumbfounded at what he chooses as priorities. He really just must not give a shit. I honestly think if a burglar came into our house with a baseball bat and threatened to hit me or the computer, he's let him hit me. The only time I have seen him angry and almost violent is if I threatened to unplug the stupid thing.
He thinks he's so calm, so collected and put together, but fails to see that he is a goddamned addict. Just because you work and pay bills doesn't mean you don't have issues... they call that functioning addiction.
When a man won't even bath his poop covered daughter or have sex with his wife... looks at his phone the second he gets up and the last moment before bed versus cuddling. When some form of electronic is always in his face that he can't ever make eye contact and it's almost a treat when he does... yeah, that's addiction alright.
I don't even know what to do about it... They say you can't change people, they have to want to change themselves. I've considered divorce... that might wake him up... but for what? So some other woman can have the man I wanted all along? That idea just makes me pissy. He doesn't seem to care how his gaming is affecting me or the kids... Can't be good for them to always look up and see him looking down... not at them, but at a screen. I just... I don't know. I'm feeling defeated and need a little support in my life.
I hate video games... HATE them. I hate smart phones, and overuse of technology. I'm talking some severe vehement hate. I don't think I would be so bias if I had a spouse that didn't spend his life attached to a screen, but since I am, I do.
The past few weeks we have been working our asses off. But I have definitely done a majority of the work between his whining. I remodeled the entire guest bathroom, (he put in the light after sighing about it) still waiting on him to put in the faucet. I painted the entire back deck ( a few days worth of work) with the exception of the very front, as it requires ladder use) He took 2 boards out, put 2 new ones in, and cut a piece of rail and screwed it in. I cleaned out all the flower beds and planted the plants, he edged, and if I'm lucky to catch him in a not whiny mood, he will put the mulch down. I lifted and dumped 500 lbs of sand and 150 pounds of pebble, he raked out straw.... see the difference?
Today, with only 3 hours of sleep, I have gotten my son off to his first day of school, repaired the wall paper in the bathroom, and fixed A's door jamb... all before 11am.
I am just so tired of feeling like he comes home and stares at a screen. That's all he ever WANTS to do. ALL THE TIME. It's constant. His new fixation is Brave Frontier. Some stupid game that is a mix between Final Fantasy and Pokemon. Even my brother, who is sorta lame, called him a no-lifer because he is on it so much. He literally carries a phone charger with him, and even went as far as to plug in while outside with the kids... ARE YOU SERIOUS? Our family outing to the lake, he's on his phone. Any free moment he can find, he's sneaking off to the basement to drown himself in a game... When does it stop? I try not to nag, I try to compromise, but FUCK WHEN DOES IT LET UP!?
I have even almost ended our marriage! I shouldn't have to compete with computers and screens, I shouldn't have to beg for a PARTNER... yet here I sit, dumbfounded at what he chooses as priorities. He really just must not give a shit. I honestly think if a burglar came into our house with a baseball bat and threatened to hit me or the computer, he's let him hit me. The only time I have seen him angry and almost violent is if I threatened to unplug the stupid thing.
He thinks he's so calm, so collected and put together, but fails to see that he is a goddamned addict. Just because you work and pay bills doesn't mean you don't have issues... they call that functioning addiction.
When a man won't even bath his poop covered daughter or have sex with his wife... looks at his phone the second he gets up and the last moment before bed versus cuddling. When some form of electronic is always in his face that he can't ever make eye contact and it's almost a treat when he does... yeah, that's addiction alright.
I don't even know what to do about it... They say you can't change people, they have to want to change themselves. I've considered divorce... that might wake him up... but for what? So some other woman can have the man I wanted all along? That idea just makes me pissy. He doesn't seem to care how his gaming is affecting me or the kids... Can't be good for them to always look up and see him looking down... not at them, but at a screen. I just... I don't know. I'm feeling defeated and need a little support in my life.
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
Pregnancy Journal and Needing to Cry- 21 weeks 6 Days
The past weeks have been mildly interesting ones, the past few days chaotic. I am a vat of emotions right now. Most of them nervous, scared, and sad ones.
Thankfully none of these feelings are because of the baby. Baby is healthy, beautiful, growing great and strong (12 ounces already!). We had an ultrasound on July 23rd. It was neat. Seeing baby in 3D/4D... looks like Ash... makes me think maybe a boy, though I have to admit I am hoping for a girl. Didn't find out the sex though. Still keeping it a surprise. I'm really, really proud of myself about that because I was really tempted when the technician looked and kept giving me goofy looks. Actually upset me a little that she knew. :-/
Not really feeling that pregnant anymore. Even though baby is moving quite a bit. I'm just not feeling that emotional connection? I think I went through this phase with all my pregnancies, so I'm not too worried about it.
Worked lots on our house, took gramma to Pizza Hut for her birthday and brought her flowers. I was also guilt tripped by a cousin for not driving 6 hours round trip for a cook out... oy.
So, onto this week. My mom came for a few days, I enjoyed her company and the extra hands! She's so stressed and going through a lot. I really hope she can pull through it and get to the other side okay. I would go into more detail, but my mom's life really isn't my business to write about. I will just say that I look forward to having my mom be more relaxed and happy.
Then today... today was just a really, no good, terrible, truly BAD day. My friend had to have a heart surgery... didn't work. She will have to go back for them to try again and knock her out. She's got a rough couple days ahead as she recovers. I'm keeping her little one. He's a bit of a handful, but thankfully I seem to be doing better with him than I gave myself credit for... we will see how tomorrow goes.
I got pulled over on my way home... $135 ticket. The road was merging down to one lane, and this lady kept slowing down and speeding up so I could not get over, then she flipped me the bird and kept me trapped. I finally sped up to try to pass her, then she sped up even faster so I slammed my brakes to let her and the 3 cars following her pass, only after A police officer tried to pull us both over, Unfortunately she kept going and I actually pulled over... He felt so bad giving me the ticket... he saw what she did and how she harassed me, but I was speeding and I could have pulled over and waited for all the cars to pass versus speeding up I guess... :(
Then the WORST news I could imagine. My gramma tells me today that the spot on her kidney they were hoping was a cyst is a mass and is very likely cancer... My heart dropped and shattered into a million pieces when she told me that... I could be near her. I didn't want to break down in front of her and break her strength. She is such a brave woman. She goes for a more thorough scan tomorrow. I am praying with all my strength it is clear and the mass is benign. Even though I am fearful, I want to believe with all my heart i still have many years left with the person I love so much. She has been such a major part of my life for so long, I feel like my world would be so empty without her. I would long to hear her voice, and her tough love... I'm not ready to even begin to think what life could even be like without her in it, so I have to believe that it will be okay.
My emotions are just so jumbled.
I came home and just needed to do something to numb my mind for a bit. Too much emotion going on! So Scott and I sat outside, he kept an eye on kids and I worked at painting the porch, anything to keep my mind off this day.
Not too mention, school starts in less than 2 weeks, (3 weeks for Ash) We have a million appointments to go to in the next month, Bills suck, spending a ton on school supplies sucks, being stressed about having to run all over God's green earth for everything SUCKS.... my mood is just too crappy right now to say life is grand. Then again that is what I use this blog for; My venting space where I can come deposit the emotions I don't want to hold on to, take a deep breath, and think happier thoughts.
-Cass
Thankfully none of these feelings are because of the baby. Baby is healthy, beautiful, growing great and strong (12 ounces already!). We had an ultrasound on July 23rd. It was neat. Seeing baby in 3D/4D... looks like Ash... makes me think maybe a boy, though I have to admit I am hoping for a girl. Didn't find out the sex though. Still keeping it a surprise. I'm really, really proud of myself about that because I was really tempted when the technician looked and kept giving me goofy looks. Actually upset me a little that she knew. :-/
Not really feeling that pregnant anymore. Even though baby is moving quite a bit. I'm just not feeling that emotional connection? I think I went through this phase with all my pregnancies, so I'm not too worried about it.
Worked lots on our house, took gramma to Pizza Hut for her birthday and brought her flowers. I was also guilt tripped by a cousin for not driving 6 hours round trip for a cook out... oy.
So, onto this week. My mom came for a few days, I enjoyed her company and the extra hands! She's so stressed and going through a lot. I really hope she can pull through it and get to the other side okay. I would go into more detail, but my mom's life really isn't my business to write about. I will just say that I look forward to having my mom be more relaxed and happy.
Then today... today was just a really, no good, terrible, truly BAD day. My friend had to have a heart surgery... didn't work. She will have to go back for them to try again and knock her out. She's got a rough couple days ahead as she recovers. I'm keeping her little one. He's a bit of a handful, but thankfully I seem to be doing better with him than I gave myself credit for... we will see how tomorrow goes.
I got pulled over on my way home... $135 ticket. The road was merging down to one lane, and this lady kept slowing down and speeding up so I could not get over, then she flipped me the bird and kept me trapped. I finally sped up to try to pass her, then she sped up even faster so I slammed my brakes to let her and the 3 cars following her pass, only after A police officer tried to pull us both over, Unfortunately she kept going and I actually pulled over... He felt so bad giving me the ticket... he saw what she did and how she harassed me, but I was speeding and I could have pulled over and waited for all the cars to pass versus speeding up I guess... :(
Then the WORST news I could imagine. My gramma tells me today that the spot on her kidney they were hoping was a cyst is a mass and is very likely cancer... My heart dropped and shattered into a million pieces when she told me that... I could be near her. I didn't want to break down in front of her and break her strength. She is such a brave woman. She goes for a more thorough scan tomorrow. I am praying with all my strength it is clear and the mass is benign. Even though I am fearful, I want to believe with all my heart i still have many years left with the person I love so much. She has been such a major part of my life for so long, I feel like my world would be so empty without her. I would long to hear her voice, and her tough love... I'm not ready to even begin to think what life could even be like without her in it, so I have to believe that it will be okay.
My emotions are just so jumbled.
I came home and just needed to do something to numb my mind for a bit. Too much emotion going on! So Scott and I sat outside, he kept an eye on kids and I worked at painting the porch, anything to keep my mind off this day.
Not too mention, school starts in less than 2 weeks, (3 weeks for Ash) We have a million appointments to go to in the next month, Bills suck, spending a ton on school supplies sucks, being stressed about having to run all over God's green earth for everything SUCKS.... my mood is just too crappy right now to say life is grand. Then again that is what I use this blog for; My venting space where I can come deposit the emotions I don't want to hold on to, take a deep breath, and think happier thoughts.
-Cass
Monday, July 20, 2015
So I've had a bad day and its only 2 in the afternoon...
Today... let's talk about today. First I call Wells Fargo, I opened a new line of credit with our bed. Received my first bill on July 13th due July 7th...and a second bill 4 days later telling me I owed them double the bill + a late fee... Had to go through loops to get that taken care of.
I made a roman shade from some mini blinds.. worked out pretty good, so that was a small success, just wish I had some thicker fabric on hand.
Then, we get ready to go into town. I had to pay my car payment, we were going to stop and get lunch and Asher had an appointment at 1:40 to check on the penny in his belly that he swallowed. Oy.
Pay my car payment, all the kids were doing were fighting and fighting... very distracting. I almost missed a stop sign and slammed on my breaks... we had 8 and 6 foot pieces of wood in the car we bought for making a head board... those pieces flew up front, cutting my arm, scraping the dash and hit the windshield. Thankfully it did not crack but OW!!!
We go to Wendy's and get some lunch, they got rid of the sandwich I liked, the chicken dill one that was cheaper... damn them. A normal chicken sandwich with pickles just isn't the same.
Get to the pediatricians, I forgot Asher's medical screening paper that needs filled out and Aiden says he forgot to put on shoes... Because telling him "Get your shoes on and get in the car." Was just too complicated of a request I guess.
I went in really quick and asked Kerra if I could reschedule. Thankfully they have a spot open tomorrow afternoon.
Come home, unload all that damn wood from the car before someone really gets hurt with it.
Let see, Scott came home, I left for midwives. Not sure I like the drive to Amy's new place, it feels a lot longer of a drive. It's really not but it feel like it. Jill missed half the appointment which was fine, Amy and I just chatted a bit. Baby's heart sounded good and they said I measured spot on, Though I felt Jill was a bit above my pelvic bone... I don't know. I'm just excited to see the baby this Thursday when we go for our ultrasound... still trying to make the decision on whether or not we want to know the sex!
-Cass
I made a roman shade from some mini blinds.. worked out pretty good, so that was a small success, just wish I had some thicker fabric on hand.
Then, we get ready to go into town. I had to pay my car payment, we were going to stop and get lunch and Asher had an appointment at 1:40 to check on the penny in his belly that he swallowed. Oy.
Pay my car payment, all the kids were doing were fighting and fighting... very distracting. I almost missed a stop sign and slammed on my breaks... we had 8 and 6 foot pieces of wood in the car we bought for making a head board... those pieces flew up front, cutting my arm, scraping the dash and hit the windshield. Thankfully it did not crack but OW!!!
We go to Wendy's and get some lunch, they got rid of the sandwich I liked, the chicken dill one that was cheaper... damn them. A normal chicken sandwich with pickles just isn't the same.
Get to the pediatricians, I forgot Asher's medical screening paper that needs filled out and Aiden says he forgot to put on shoes... Because telling him "Get your shoes on and get in the car." Was just too complicated of a request I guess.
I went in really quick and asked Kerra if I could reschedule. Thankfully they have a spot open tomorrow afternoon.
Come home, unload all that damn wood from the car before someone really gets hurt with it.
Let see, Scott came home, I left for midwives. Not sure I like the drive to Amy's new place, it feels a lot longer of a drive. It's really not but it feel like it. Jill missed half the appointment which was fine, Amy and I just chatted a bit. Baby's heart sounded good and they said I measured spot on, Though I felt Jill was a bit above my pelvic bone... I don't know. I'm just excited to see the baby this Thursday when we go for our ultrasound... still trying to make the decision on whether or not we want to know the sex!
-Cass
Thursday, July 16, 2015
The filth that is my home...
Nobody reads my blog right? Seems that this has become the place I go to write down all my thoughts and feelings I really want to get out but don't feel like hearing the criticism or opinions over.
Scott and I have decided to list our home for sale. It was a hard choice for me to just say yes. I made the agreement that as long as we walk away with some cash in our pockets, I'll be okay. I don't want to come out even... then I feel like I put in a ton of work for someone else again, I want to walk away even, plus some cash for us to get started again. My goal is 5k or more in the positive.
That means that we need to get our butts in gear and get this house cleaned up. The closets are cluttered, our shelves are full, our basement practically has another house worth of furniture...Just TOO MUCH STUFF!
We have too much.
The point of this is to downsize right? looks like hubby and I need to get on the ball, go through our things and have a major purge/yard sale. No more maybe we will need this... just do it. Be done. Maybe we should just find out the sex of the baby so we can purge all the opposite sex baby clothes. Toys, clothes, furniture... it all needs to just hit the road.
I am so tired of so much stuff, It makes everything feel so messy, constantly.
Speaking of messes. My house is one giant one. These kids seek to destroy everything they touch. In order to have things nice we would have to purge all things smaller than a soccer ball, paper, all writing utensils, books, and toys. Cabinets would need to be locked, plastic on everything and barriers for the walls... then possibly, it might be feasible to keep this place clean.
It doesn't cease to amaze me how they just "find" things and the places where they "hide" things. Today cleaning up Aiden's room I found an moldy apple core in his drawer, how awesome is that? Azzie found a small piece of crayon some place and drew on the walls... I went to take the crayon but she ate it. Asher is like a hound dog when it comes to money. He can find it anywhere.... and I am constantly finding it hidden in toys, pants, books, etc...
Scott and I work ourselves to the bone and our kids' main goal seems to be to destroy everything nice we own. Like last night when Scott and I were cutting up chickens, Azzie had major runs that leaked our the sides and up the back of her diapers... she proceeded to crawl all over the couch, smearing shit everywhere. Aiden took the plastic off of his brand new bed because it got wrinkled. Instead of asking me to fix it, he proceeded to pee the bed 3 nights in a row and soak his new mattress in urine.. How awesome are kids?!
I am so stressed. Scott seems nervous now to have a vasectomy. I used to be... but this is hard. Day in and day out chaos and mess is breaking me down. I love the kids we have. I don't want any more. I'm perfectly okay with us no longer being fertile.
I'm perfectly okay with not having little kids anymore...
I'm perfectly okay with the idea that being done with this may make me feel old.
And to hell with anyone who tells me I should be cherishing or be more grateful.
I'm entitled to my feelings so F*%& off.
We have so much to do, finish the deck, paint, counters and kitchen backsplash, Kids bath, and gates... all to get our positive to walk away...
So we can start this chaos in some place new... some place that is cheap enough that it won't hurt so bad if the kids mess it up... Get our financial security... and then maybe, just maybe someday we can have our dream home.
-Cass
Scott and I have decided to list our home for sale. It was a hard choice for me to just say yes. I made the agreement that as long as we walk away with some cash in our pockets, I'll be okay. I don't want to come out even... then I feel like I put in a ton of work for someone else again, I want to walk away even, plus some cash for us to get started again. My goal is 5k or more in the positive.
That means that we need to get our butts in gear and get this house cleaned up. The closets are cluttered, our shelves are full, our basement practically has another house worth of furniture...Just TOO MUCH STUFF!
We have too much.
The point of this is to downsize right? looks like hubby and I need to get on the ball, go through our things and have a major purge/yard sale. No more maybe we will need this... just do it. Be done. Maybe we should just find out the sex of the baby so we can purge all the opposite sex baby clothes. Toys, clothes, furniture... it all needs to just hit the road.
I am so tired of so much stuff, It makes everything feel so messy, constantly.
Speaking of messes. My house is one giant one. These kids seek to destroy everything they touch. In order to have things nice we would have to purge all things smaller than a soccer ball, paper, all writing utensils, books, and toys. Cabinets would need to be locked, plastic on everything and barriers for the walls... then possibly, it might be feasible to keep this place clean.
It doesn't cease to amaze me how they just "find" things and the places where they "hide" things. Today cleaning up Aiden's room I found an moldy apple core in his drawer, how awesome is that? Azzie found a small piece of crayon some place and drew on the walls... I went to take the crayon but she ate it. Asher is like a hound dog when it comes to money. He can find it anywhere.... and I am constantly finding it hidden in toys, pants, books, etc...
Scott and I work ourselves to the bone and our kids' main goal seems to be to destroy everything nice we own. Like last night when Scott and I were cutting up chickens, Azzie had major runs that leaked our the sides and up the back of her diapers... she proceeded to crawl all over the couch, smearing shit everywhere. Aiden took the plastic off of his brand new bed because it got wrinkled. Instead of asking me to fix it, he proceeded to pee the bed 3 nights in a row and soak his new mattress in urine.. How awesome are kids?!
I am so stressed. Scott seems nervous now to have a vasectomy. I used to be... but this is hard. Day in and day out chaos and mess is breaking me down. I love the kids we have. I don't want any more. I'm perfectly okay with us no longer being fertile.
I'm perfectly okay with not having little kids anymore...
I'm perfectly okay with the idea that being done with this may make me feel old.
And to hell with anyone who tells me I should be cherishing or be more grateful.
I'm entitled to my feelings so F*%& off.
We have so much to do, finish the deck, paint, counters and kitchen backsplash, Kids bath, and gates... all to get our positive to walk away...
So we can start this chaos in some place new... some place that is cheap enough that it won't hurt so bad if the kids mess it up... Get our financial security... and then maybe, just maybe someday we can have our dream home.
-Cass
Monday, July 13, 2015
Pregnancy Journal Week 18- Chiropractors are saints.
This past week has been awful! My back has been killing me right between my shoulder blades, my mid back muscle on the right, and my sternum is hurting again... though I did have about 2 pain free weeks till I injured it again... Anywho, I have been in misery. No matter which way I lay, somewhere in my back is pinched and hurting.
My chiropractor was away on vacation the entire past week, so you can bet, first thing the office opened today I called to get in. He cracked my back right between my shoulders and it felt like 5 vertebrae, my shoulders and everything popped all in one crack. You know that feeling when you hit your funny bone, it hurts, but makes you laugh and actually sort of feels good.... that's how this was. As soon as he cracked it, I went, "Dear God." and then laughed through pain for about 2 minutes straight. It felt so good but hurt so bad at the same time. I iced it when I got home and am sitting on the heating pad now to baby it some...
Lets see, baby is still moving more and more everyday and my uterus keeps getting taller. I go for an ultrasound next Thursday... excited to see our sweet babe.
We took the chickens in this evening to be butchered. We have a local amish family do it for us... Some of those chickens were crazy fat and heavy... it will be so nice to have 25 chickens worth of meat to line our freezer and to finally get rid of their portable shelter and let all the chicken poo wash away.
Other than that, nothing is really new. Been tired a lot, but today I actually had a little energy, which is surprising as I barely slept last night. Scott had a nice birthday, I feel like an ass for not giving him a card, but I did get him an ice cream cake... so that was something.
Off to bed for me now.
-Cass
My chiropractor was away on vacation the entire past week, so you can bet, first thing the office opened today I called to get in. He cracked my back right between my shoulders and it felt like 5 vertebrae, my shoulders and everything popped all in one crack. You know that feeling when you hit your funny bone, it hurts, but makes you laugh and actually sort of feels good.... that's how this was. As soon as he cracked it, I went, "Dear God." and then laughed through pain for about 2 minutes straight. It felt so good but hurt so bad at the same time. I iced it when I got home and am sitting on the heating pad now to baby it some...
Lets see, baby is still moving more and more everyday and my uterus keeps getting taller. I go for an ultrasound next Thursday... excited to see our sweet babe.
We took the chickens in this evening to be butchered. We have a local amish family do it for us... Some of those chickens were crazy fat and heavy... it will be so nice to have 25 chickens worth of meat to line our freezer and to finally get rid of their portable shelter and let all the chicken poo wash away.
Other than that, nothing is really new. Been tired a lot, but today I actually had a little energy, which is surprising as I barely slept last night. Scott had a nice birthday, I feel like an ass for not giving him a card, but I did get him an ice cream cake... so that was something.
Off to bed for me now.
-Cass
Sunday, July 12, 2015
My heart is so conflicted...
Here I am at 18 weeks pregnant and my husband and I have started to weigh the idea of selling our home. Why? Why would we want to sell our lovely ranch country home that we have only lived in for a year and a half? Because it is expensive, that's why. We could save HUNDREDS every month living in a cheaper place. That would mean paying off our debt quickly, that would mean financial security for our family, and a smaller place would mean less maintenance for this busy mom. It would mean me not having to work so much and focusing more on the kids... BUT it would also mean giving up a home that I have fallen in love with. it would mean another round of packing, purging, and uprooting all our things, a new place to adjust to, new stresses...it would mean losing the garden I have invested thousands into, and letting go of the dreams I had for this home.
After losing our home in Sidney and having to wait for years to be able to buy again, and living in the cramped Arbors apartments we couldn't wait to spread out and have a place to call our own again. We wanted to be in our home at least 5-7 years. We wanted a place to call our "home".
When I was a child, my parents constantly moved place to place, since Scott and I have been married we have moved nearly every year that we have been married. -Wapak Ave.-Piper St.-Spruce St.-Vandenbosh Ave.- West Lake Rd.- The Arbors- and finally settled here. 7 moves within 7 years of marriage. Is it just that we can't seem to make good choices? Is it that every time we try to move up, life gives us a kick back down telling us we're not ready? I just don't know.
We are not necessarily house poor in the house we are in. It's just that we have a lot of debt. His school loans, my school loans, the car payment, credit cards from purchasing this or that, giving birth to 3 kids and paying $3200 out of pocket each time, hospital bills from broken legs, crushed fingers, and swollen lymph nodes... it all adds up. Quick. It sucks our money... A surprise bill from the IRS, piano lessons, and children's needs... it all adds up. Debt free we would be set to take on all this, but we are not debt free.
So now we sit here conflicted, do we stay, slowly trying to whittle down our debts between "extra" expenses, investing into the home we have and hope we get the pay off later when we do go to sell, or do we sell now, down grade all we have and dedicate all our money to our debts in hopes that we can upgrade again? What if it doesn't work out either way? What if we make another poor choice and again have to call it "a loss"... We've had so many things we have had to call "a loss".
Why is life so stressful and so damn hard? I hate hard choices. I hate feeling conflicted.
My heart tells me to stay. That I love my home, my space, my flowers and I deserve to enjoy the fruit of our labor, Enjoy what 7 years worth of marriage and work has earned us... my brain says, be smart, get financially secure, let kids get bigger, then move up... then move up.... it's always later... it always takes just a little more work, just a little more patience... just more time.
I'm sick of fixing up the places that I live in only to leave them for others to enjoy.
At West Lake Rd. I planted flowers, we built our son an awesome playhouse, we remodeled the kitchen and bath, painted and and upgraded the fixtures... only to leave. As soon as it was all finished, we left. I never even got to see what the kitchen looked like finished.
Almost everywhere I have lived in the last 7 years, I have planted flowers... this is the first time I have ever gotten to see my garden come up the second year... I really liked that. I REALLY liked that.
We plan on redoing our current kitchen, fixing our porch, just fenced in our yard...
For what? the next Joe Smo to enjoy while I go in live in a cheap home for the sake of financial security? It eats at my soul. It really does. It hurts my heart to constantly start over. I'm ready for something stable in my life, something that sticks, but is that me being selfish? Is it what's best for our family?
We will be looking at houses some more this week and weighing our options, crunching numbers, doing our best to figure out the smartest move to secure our future, but I have to admit, it makes my heart hurt.
-Cass
After losing our home in Sidney and having to wait for years to be able to buy again, and living in the cramped Arbors apartments we couldn't wait to spread out and have a place to call our own again. We wanted to be in our home at least 5-7 years. We wanted a place to call our "home".
When I was a child, my parents constantly moved place to place, since Scott and I have been married we have moved nearly every year that we have been married. -Wapak Ave.-Piper St.-Spruce St.-Vandenbosh Ave.- West Lake Rd.- The Arbors- and finally settled here. 7 moves within 7 years of marriage. Is it just that we can't seem to make good choices? Is it that every time we try to move up, life gives us a kick back down telling us we're not ready? I just don't know.
We are not necessarily house poor in the house we are in. It's just that we have a lot of debt. His school loans, my school loans, the car payment, credit cards from purchasing this or that, giving birth to 3 kids and paying $3200 out of pocket each time, hospital bills from broken legs, crushed fingers, and swollen lymph nodes... it all adds up. Quick. It sucks our money... A surprise bill from the IRS, piano lessons, and children's needs... it all adds up. Debt free we would be set to take on all this, but we are not debt free.
So now we sit here conflicted, do we stay, slowly trying to whittle down our debts between "extra" expenses, investing into the home we have and hope we get the pay off later when we do go to sell, or do we sell now, down grade all we have and dedicate all our money to our debts in hopes that we can upgrade again? What if it doesn't work out either way? What if we make another poor choice and again have to call it "a loss"... We've had so many things we have had to call "a loss".
Why is life so stressful and so damn hard? I hate hard choices. I hate feeling conflicted.
My heart tells me to stay. That I love my home, my space, my flowers and I deserve to enjoy the fruit of our labor, Enjoy what 7 years worth of marriage and work has earned us... my brain says, be smart, get financially secure, let kids get bigger, then move up... then move up.... it's always later... it always takes just a little more work, just a little more patience... just more time.
I'm sick of fixing up the places that I live in only to leave them for others to enjoy.
At West Lake Rd. I planted flowers, we built our son an awesome playhouse, we remodeled the kitchen and bath, painted and and upgraded the fixtures... only to leave. As soon as it was all finished, we left. I never even got to see what the kitchen looked like finished.
Almost everywhere I have lived in the last 7 years, I have planted flowers... this is the first time I have ever gotten to see my garden come up the second year... I really liked that. I REALLY liked that.
We plan on redoing our current kitchen, fixing our porch, just fenced in our yard...
For what? the next Joe Smo to enjoy while I go in live in a cheap home for the sake of financial security? It eats at my soul. It really does. It hurts my heart to constantly start over. I'm ready for something stable in my life, something that sticks, but is that me being selfish? Is it what's best for our family?
We will be looking at houses some more this week and weighing our options, crunching numbers, doing our best to figure out the smartest move to secure our future, but I have to admit, it makes my heart hurt.
-Cass
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